9% ABV from a bomber
John Jay was America’s first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, one of the founding fathers of this country, and a man who was strongly anti-slavery.
John Jay College is a dump of a school in my neighborhood whose beginning of fall classes and its perpetually sidewalk-lingering students always are one of the worst signs of the start of Fall.
Look, there’s plenty to bash about NYU and Columbia both university-wise and student-makeup-wise, but I don’t live across the street from those schools so I don’t have to deal with their riff-raff every fucking day. On the other hand, those institutions are so formidable that they don’t only exist in one single building like John Jay seemingly does.
Having said that, I know nothing about John Jay as an academic institution since they don’t play high-level football or men’s basketball which is they only reason I am aware of any college. Also, I’m too lazy to look up online how reputable the school is. Thus, all I can base my hatred of John Jay on is what its stupid “scholars” look and act like as they steal a little enjoyment from my life daily.
Firstly, as mentioned John Jay clearly has no high-level athletics, but they must have the top cigarette-smoking team in the nation. I don’t know if they offer scholarships for tobacco-inhalation or if they just happen to attract the best of the best due to reputation alone. Fuck, even their “walk-ons” are prodigious puffers as literally every single person in the school must smoke, clogging up the sidewalks of Tenth Avenue near 59th street all evening long. The ACS should get off MJ’s back and instead focus their attention on John Jay kids. Actually, scratch that, something tells me that John Jay doesn’t offer a lecture course in self-inflicted eugenics so the problem will handle itself.
For visitors to John Jay, the first thing you’ll notice are the female students. You’ll no doubt remark, “Huh, I didn’t think Manhattan had a red light district any more. I guess Giuliani drove them all from Times Square to Tenth.” Sad to report, though, those aren’t hookers. Hell’s Kitchen’s prostitutes don’t look and dress so similar to Miss Piggy. A little similar sure, that’s to be expected, but not all-out adorned in skin tight dresses struggling to remain pulled over their giant shelf of a rump, totally-inappropriate-for-the-classroom boas and costume jewelry, with massive bouffant wigs.
Also, hookers typically don’t have backpacks slung over their humps which they got for free by amassing 1000 Kool points. Likewise, while streetwalkers enjoy street “meat,” John Jay co-eds like literal street meat, gorging themselves on hot dogs and cheap beef on a skewer while waiting for their next class. These co-eds make one almost wish the 19th Amendment had a special rider on it that banned despicable pigs from getting the same treatment as the general female population was soon to receive. I’m pretty sure even Susan B. wouldn’t want these women learnin’.
The men of John Jay are another story, a parade in creative facial hair. Prince and the artist formerly known as rich and famous AJ McLean would be quite envious of these males’ topiary mug styles. These gents are paradigms in multitasking. Booming iPod ear buds loosely hanging from both ears while similtaneously utilizing a not-even-cool-back-in-’05 Bluetooth piece. With such aural inundation, you’d think these men would travel alone. Nope, in fact, they hang in large circular groups, fronting a guise of friendship and rapport with their classmates when, in fact, no one is talking to anybody else in person as each listens to their music while loudly yakking in their headsets while smoking butts more briskly than Andrew Dice Clay.
I always ponder where all the professors are as I never see any clear-cut adult around the premises nor entering or exiting the academic building. I assume the profs are brought to and fro the “campus” via reinforced armored vehicle and escorted into the building courtesy of several state troopers. Then again, I can’t imagine any aloof John Jay student cares about his or her grade enough to threaten a teacher.
Now actual educators may never be seen but a lot of fucking children sure are. Every day at John Jay is apparently bring-your-toddler-to-class day. And besides those few students lucky enough to have accidentally stumbled upon correct rhythm method usage, most of the non-parent student variety seem to be “expecting.” A typical John Jay lecture must easily be confused for Lamaze class.
The school bookstore is right across the street from my pad. I popped in once to get a new copy of Aurelius’s Meditations as I’d misplaced my previous one and figured a large bookstore at an institute of higher learning would surely have at least one edition of maybe the most significant written work in the history of words. But, of course, they did not. However, based on what the bookstore did have in stock, I’m guessing most John Jay class syllabi call for plenty of Tasty Kakes, Cheetos, and copies of JET. Boy, I’d love to audit one of those classes, but I’m worried that the value of my legitimate tier one university degree would plummet.
In the founding father eponymous standings, Sam Adams got a great microbrewery, John Hancock got the ubiquitous idiom for one’s signature, and John Jay got a safety school of all safety schools chock full of students that make me always dance over to Ninth Avenue when I’m forced to head north.
Luckily, Fall also signals some good things. I’ve already discussed my love for Oktoberfest beers and I love pumpkin ales even more so. Pumking is often regarded as the best of the yearly bunch and this was to be my first time to try it. Bummed out and feeling a tad self-loathing on a Labor Day Monday night, I needed a bit of a pick-me-up and Southern Tier had just the cure.
I can’t believe how much Pumking smells like fresh pumpkin. I can even taste the crumbly crust. Very complex for a pumpkin beer with tons of spices and subtle little notes. Like most of Southern Tier’s oddball line of chocolate, coffee, and creme brulee beers to name just a few, Pumpking is of the highest quality. No artificial flavors and ingredients are used here like in your typical pumpkin beers.
Vice Blog Reading Group Guide: Questions for Further Discussion:
1. Did you find Aaron’s Pumking entry to reek of racism? Or perhaps you are the racist one for calling Aaron racist when he didn’t ever mention race once yet purely on the basis of reading his completely matter-of-fact observations you thought of particular races of people, you racist. But, but, but you say, he did reference JET and Kool cigarettes. Sure, like only a certain race of people read and smoke those. If you’re claiming that’s a black thing, then I wouldn’t know, I’m not racist like you. And neither is Aaron. Aaron also mentioned Miss Piggy, and as far as I can tell…she’s Asian.
2. Aaron frequently discusses his love for cigars while bemoaning the nanny state this country is becoming as the pansy-ass government continues impinging on our rights to enjoy so-called vices in public. Do you think Aaron is a hypocrite for chastising the cancer-stick smoking ninnies that pollute John Jay? Or do you accept his borderline hypocrisy because cigarette smoking is disgusting while stogy smoking is a totemistic explosion of fragrance and awesomeness?
3. Do you find it amusing that some of the worst high schools and universities are named after some of the most successful men and women of our time, people that these schools’ students could never dream of accomplishing even a quarter as much as? Would it perhaps be more apt for these schools to be named after, say, a very good manager at the local AMC who figured out a way to consistantly upsell moviegoers from Goobers to Raisinets?