Michelob Golden Draft Light

September 15, 2008 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Anheuser-Busch, Country: America, Grade: F regular, Style: Macro!.

4.1% ABV bottled

Friend of the Vice Blog and Minnesotan The Captain’s Chair sent me a nice package of local beer last week, wanting me try some of the finest brews his state has to offer. He sent me great stuff from Surly, Schell, and other Land of 10,000 Lakes breweries. Any Minnesota beer review you see in the next few weeks will be courtesy of him. But The Captain humorously also wanted to send me the worst his state has to offer, some pure “nastiness” as he calls it, telling me he’d like me to sample it “if (I’m) brave enough.”

It’s a “special” release that Anheuser-Busch apparently only inflicts on the great states of Minnesota and Wisconsin. The Captain described it thusly:

“It’s basically horse piss, but all the mullets around here drink it like it’s their job. I wouldn’t touch it with someone else’s lips. Might make for a funny review though.”

Sign me up. As much as I love great beer, I also love seeing if I’m man enough to drink liquid garbage. It’s a sickness I have.  And I should note that I was dumb enough to drink this stone-cold sober.

The clear bottle Golden Light comes in is an obvious sign of a piece of shit brew. It’s like they want the beer to be skunked to as high of level as possible before you drink it.  The label reads “…the exceptionally smooth taste you expect from Michelob.” Riiiiiiiight. Why are macrobreweries bigger stretchers of the truth than politicians? I actually expect nothing but pain, misery, and agony from Michelob.  And I would soon learn that I should sue Michelob for blatantly false advertising.  The Vice Blogger v. Michelob, the Vice Blogger contending that Golden Light is about as unsmooth as possible.  That would be the trial of the century.  But more on this in a sec.

I popped the top and I was hit with a pungent aroma. Terrible. A stench like flatulence. I had to clamp a clothespin on my nostrils like I was some cartoon character. The taste is even worse. Like a poisoned Sprite Remix. The beer injures my tongue. It was like pouring hydrogen peroxide on it. I’m not sure if Golden Light heals open cuts though. It singes and bubbles as it goes down your throat. Atrocious.  If Anheuser-Busch considers this “smooth,” good Lord!

Abominationally bad. The Captain was right. One of the worst beers I’ve ever had. It’s like the wretched Corona but far more painful going down. My mouth and gullet felt like a bum raped my pie hole.

This one should be advertised as beer for bulimics because it made me want to throw up. It’s like (marginally) alcoholic ipecac. “Beer for Bulimics.” Kinda catchy actually. Could be used in some trendy new modern-day vomitoriums.

Luckily, I only had to drink one of these and afterward I cleansed my palate with the Cuban from the UWS’s Cafe Con Leche, maybe the best sandwich in all of Manhattan island.

Never again.

F


7 Responses to “Michelob Golden Draft Light”

  1. amm002 says:

    Fantastic review, right on the mark!

  2. Dave says:

    Hah please don’t send this one if we trade. I’ll have to send it right back =)

  3. Aaron Goldfarb says:

    I luckily have no more bottles. I wouldn’t give this to my worst enemy.

  4. KingOttoIII says:

    You need to have a Bottom 10 Least Wanted Beers and review them. Start with Mickey’s Big Mouth.

  5. Aaron Goldfarb says:

    Believe me, it’s an idea I’m definitely considering. I’ll have a post tomorrow that should further the topic a bit.

    But I do like adding a special link for the absolute ten WORST beers in the world that I have yet to try.

    This would definitely be on the list:

    http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/677/2213

    I’m aching to gag myself on that one.

  6. KingOttoIII says:

    “It looks like a fucking turd with a tail”

    That is great. You need to try that. But first invite me over so I can video your reaction. We can put it on youtube. It will be your first live review.

  7. Aaron Goldfarb says:

    I need to have a VB fan (or mortal enemy) ship me some. I like the idea for a videotaped review.

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