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Cascazilla

October 31st, 2008 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Ithaca Beer Company, Country: America, Grade: B plus, Style: Red Ale.

6.5% ABV bottled

She sipped her cheap blush wine and nuzzled closer to me. She clearly wanted to ask me a question but was nervous. Spit it out, I wanted to say. She finally spat. “Tell me about your last girlfriend…”

A loaded question if I’ve ever heard one, but I’m a bit of a psychological savant and have answered these enough in the past to know the “correct” answer. I took a sip of my Cascazilla, a “monstrously” hopped red ale that pours maroon, smells like an IPA, and tastes like one too. Pretty tasty, and quite drinkable.

GULP.

“Well…my last girlfriend had major intimacy issues, lived under the shroud of her smothering mother who happened to hate me, couldn’t see and enjoy the practically perfect present for the always-unpredictable future, was clinically lazy, had a fear of commitment which she hid by claiming that I actually did, possessed a pathetically cyclical history of kamikazeing her serial relationships with the same personal errors, and, most egregiously of all, was not a champion of my dreams.”

Perhaps I’d gone overboard.

That was true but those were the only really bad things about her, stuff that could have easily been fixed. But that was irrelevant at this point in time. When a new girl you’re wooing lacks confidence, you tell her only bad things about your ex. One that is confident though, you can’t go far enough in telling her the good things, giving her lofty goals that she will then forever try to live up to and exceed.*

“She was smart as a whip, the sweetest person I’ve ever known, always laughed at my shit, even moreso put up with my bullshit, could drink like a longshoreman, liked to party more than me, fantastic and always forthcoming in between the sheets, enjoyed bar games, was incredibly creative, was my raucous ‘partner in crime,’ and had a comfortable bed…”

Tonight was our first “test” date. Er, actually, it had somehow become a “test” date when she started grilling me. The third date is usual a little early to get the third degree, but whatever, I was too drunk to mind. The only reason I hate being questioned, “tested,” is because it makes for boring conversation. I’d rather just drink, watch a movie, or make fun of other people not as genetically gifted as me.

Why must women always shanghai their chances by getting another woman’s essence into a partner’s head? What a stupid thing to do. You wouldn’t physically derail a man’s interest in you by showing him pornography–unless you were: awesome!–so why mentally derail him by forcing me to have remembrances of things past? And, indeed, now it was no surprise that I was thinking about her.

I was still miffed how it had ended. Completely arbitrarily and unnecessarily. Quite frankly, I was still shocked she hadn’t contacted me once in the however many months since we had broken up. On D-Day plus One I would have bet the heavily-subsidized farm that she would have phoned, e-mailed, texted, and/or carrier pigeoned me by now. Maybe that’s my narcissism acting up. Or, I guess she just didn’t love me as much as I thought she did.

I returned to the present.

“I’d always champion your dreams, Aaron.”

She said it, but I wasn’t so sure. Heck, I wasn’t so sure, yet, if she was even smart enough to know that the word “champion” could mean something other than the sweaty guy that gets to kiss a pretty trophy and display a giant novelty check after winning a sporting event.

Well, if my “new” girl was going to test me, I was going to test her. I don’t particularly care about a woman’s past unless it involves chronic STD contraction or ravenous intravenous drug usage, so I simply follow a trick Quentin Tarantino taught me.** I make each new girl of interest watch my favorite movie of all time — “Annie Hall.”

I’m surely not that daft, but I did used to agree with the line from the great “High Fidelity”: “What really matters is what you like, not what you’re like.”

Then why did every girl I’d ever liked, at worst, loathe “Annie Hall,” and, at best, feel apathetically bored by it?

It’s too irreverent. Too weird. Too old. Too out-of-touch. Too slow. And Woody gives me the creeps, they’d say. I’d heard all the complaints.

Finally, on Tuesday night, I’d come to realize, it didn’t fucking matter whether a girl likes “Annie Hall,” or good beer, or college basketball. All the mattered was if I liked to be with her. And I thought I might like this girl. I paused “Annie Hall,” grabbed her hand, and escorted her to her bedroom. Afterward, when she went to the bathroom, coming back she retrieved the DVD and her laptop from the living room and brought them back to bed. She had actually been loooooooving “Annie Hall” and couldn’t wait to see how it was going to end.

B+

*As a secondary purpose, these revelations also allow you to tell a new girl exactly what you expect in a relationship, a template for what you will and won’t tolerate.

**QT: “When I’m getting serious about a girl, I show her ‘Rio Bravo’ and she better fucking like it.”

(Also, please to join The Vice Blog FACEBOOK group. I’m trying to get the #1 ranked beer blog on Facebook.  Link in the upper right hand corner of my page!)

13 Responses to “Cascazilla”

  1. KingOttoIII | 10/31/08

    How can anyone not like you?

  2. Aaron Goldfarb | 10/31/08

    I know, hard to believe, huh? Unfortunately, Sal, many folks are not as tolerant of Jews as you are.

  3. KingOttoIII | 10/31/08

    What you are Jewish? I thought Goldfarb was Dutch.

  4. Aaron Goldfarb | 10/31/08

    The Goldfarbs do indeed trace their roots partially back to the Netherlands.

  5. KingOttoIII | 10/31/08

    At least your from Canadia. I cant stand those peoples.

  6. amm002 | 10/31/08

    “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” Best line in the movie.

  7. Dave | 10/31/08

    Is the B+ for the beer or the date =)

  8. Aaron Goldfarb | 10/31/08

    Rest assured, the grades are always for the beer. I can separate the quality of beer and the quality of experience. To my detriment sometimes.

  9. Jacki | 10/31/08

    Reverse the characters, slap a pink cover on it and we’ve got the makings of the next chick lit bestseller…

  10. Aaron Goldfarb | 10/31/08

    I wish I was allowed to write chick lit. Those bitches like Jennifer Weiner and Lauren Weisberger make BANK.

  11. AjaxBleach | 10/31/08

    This blog is awesome. Keep up the good work Aaron.

  12. Kevin | 11/1/08

    Hey Aaron,
    After meeting you at the ginger man last week, I finally got around to checking your site and it is pretty neat. The bars in Florida suck when it comes to beer(and yet they have some nice beer stores, go figure). Anyway, I will be back in town in a few days so if plan on hitting the ginger man, let me know and maybe we will hook up
    Kevin

  13. Aaron Goldfarb | 11/1/08

    Hi Kevin,

    Thanks for writing and thanks for reading.

    Was good to meet you too.

    I’ll hit you up sometime, take care, and keep reading the VB!

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