10.50% ABV canned
In the pivotal scene in David Sedaris’s brilliant “The Santaland Diaries,” the supercilious Sedaris is brought down to the level of the hoi polloi he so mocks when, in looking at a box of plastic eyeballs at a gift shop, he realizes what he thought would be a funny joke is something that every other idiot also apparently thinks would be a laugh riot. It finally dawns on him that he is not original, he is not unique, he is just like everyone else.
And so are you my dear readers, because everyone pretty much asks me the same questions, whether in comments, private e-mail, or in person. So I thought I’d make a…
How often do you drink per week?
Whatever you imagine, it’s far less than that. I mean, what you do imagine, yeah, I could easily handle drinking that much per week. In fact, sometimes I still do. But I drink a lot less than you think I do. Though still a lot more than most people would consider “reasonable.” Whatever the case, I won’t stop your from deifying me as a drinking legend.
Then are you an alcoholic?
God I hope not. Because that would ipso facto mean that I am also a coffeeholic, caffeineaholic, televisionaholic, cinemaholic, biblioholic, writingoholic, sexaholic, onanaholic, insultaholic, chickensaladsandwichaholic, WWWaholic, and sportsaholic because I like all those things at least as much as booze and engage in them just as frequently if not more often. Alcoholism is overrated any how.
Then surely your health is poor?!
Actually, I think I’m in the best health of my life right now. I weighed 175 pounds this morning (I’m 5’11”), I am lithe, my gut is fairly taut, I run 100 miles per month on average, and my energy is indomitable while my spirits are indefatigable and my resolve is unflappable. Everyone knows alcohol is good for you, keeping your blood thin and thus preventing heart attacks along with Alzheimer’s disease, hypertension, high blood pressure, and even the common cold amongst countless other things. In fact, my blood is so thin it flows through my body like an enfilade of liquid bullets.
I meant your mental health.
Oh. OK, you can debate that, and you may be right, but I think I’m pretty swell. And my arrogance, narcissism, and hubris means that I will always feel mentally stable and vigorous even if that is far from the truth. Ignorance can be bliss. Not always, but usually.
Would I like you if I actually met you?
Yeah, probably. I’m much nicer when I drink than when I’m sober. Plus I’m hilarious and quite dashing.
You make fun of people and places too much.
Thank you. There’s just so many eminently mockable cities, states, countries, and humans. It is truly a fine world we live.
OK, well surely your stories are made up????
Not in the least. Robert Evans famously said “There are three sides to every story. Yours, mine, and the truth.” Well my stories are 99% true from my often-intoxicated side of things. And the 1% would serve as merely slight changes in detail to preserve story flow, protect the innocent, and add some amusing bluster.
Then how do you get in such crazy predicaments?
I’ll handle the answer piecemeal. Firstly, I don’t believe that I really have that amazing of adventures. Certainly not every second of every day. Often times my life is quite boring. Aside from that, I live in Manhattan, maybe the most interesting place in the world. Every single day one is bombarded with the weird and the “out there” that if you can’t find yourself frequently in media fuckedupedness, then you just aren’t leaving your house enough. Also, of course, I drink. Drinking always leads to mischief. And I have no problem approaching and engaging strangers for my selfish gain. Finally, I have a Twainian, Hunter S. Thompsian, Tom Wolfeian eye for the bizarre and know when and where to pursue things in order to get stories. Stories which, most importantly, I am them able to compellingly tell.
LFAQs (Less Frequently Asked Questions):
I’m a guy that thinks you’re awesome. I’d like to have a drink with you sometime. Can I?
Maybe. Are you buying?
I’m a female that thinks you’re awesome. I’d like to have a drink with you sometime. Can I?
Maybe. Are you attractive? Oh…and are you buying?
I’m admittedly a mediocre-in-attractiveness women. But, here’s what I’m thinking. What if I were to set up a $50 tab at the bar of your choice. You would tell me when you would arrive at the bar to start drinking from the tab and then two hours later I would appear for our date. Would that cut it?
Better make it a $100 tab and three hours.
Hi, my name is Arthur P. Schulmeyer, esq., the general counsel for the Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company. Your repeated incidents of slander and libel toward our fine products will no longer be tolerated. In fact, our quality control department is 87.2% sure that our Sunset Wheat decidedly DID NOT poison you. We are opting to sue. How may we locate you in order to serve you?
Contact my lawyer Oscar Z. Acosta. My dream is for you guys to take me all the way to the Supreme Court. Leinenkugel v. The VBer. It would be a landmark case. Does a man have the inalienable right to rip on beer that tastes like bottled public swimming pool water? I suspect Ruth Ginsberg would be the only dissenting vote toward me.
IFAQs (InFrequently Asked Questions):
Our school/city/town/public park/prison would like to honor your legacy by commissioning a statue of you. Will you please come sit for the sculpture?
Absolutely. It would be the 2nd greatest honor of my life.
I work for the [Blank] Brewery. Where can I send you some promotional beers to sample?
E-mail me at theviceblog [at] gmail.com and I’ll give you the info.
Do you promise not to eviscerate our beers?
Nope. But I’ve always wanted to be a shameless shill, so there’s a good chance I will heap effusive praise on your gratis products.
I own a bar. You’re so awesome that we want to let you drink at our establishment for free in order to garner free pub in return. You know, quid pro quo. Do you accept our offer?
Firstly, I don’t believe a New York City bar owner actually knows Latin and could correctly use it in a sentence. However, If your bar is in Manhattan from Canal to, let’s say, 59th street, possibly as high as 80th on the UWS, then yes, I accept your offer. Anywhere else and I’d rather sit on 7th Avenue and share a bottle of fortified wine with a transient.
I’m a transient. Will you share a bottle of fortified wine with me? You have to buy since all I have on my person are some out-of-circulation subway tokens and a video ipod I stole from a passed-out Columbia student.
Sure. It would be an honor. What’s your poison?
You never answered my question!
Then ask it again in the comments.
And what did you think of Ten FIDY?
I was stoked to finally find a can of the only Oskar Blues beer I’ve yet to have. Without question the darkest black stout I’ve ever seen. Poured like some Kikkoman’s. Very hoppy for a stout. Almost smells like an IPA/stout hybrid. Weird. Taste is a smooth one of malts and creamy chocolate. The ever faint hints of roasted barley and oats. I cannot believe how high the ABV is. This one is tasty, son! So smooth and balanced in every way. I loved it.
Now, I can only wish Oskar Blues had more stuff for me to try!
NAQ (Never Asked Question):
What side effects may I incur with my switch to the NuvaRing?
Device-related adverse events (foreign body sensation, coital problem, or expulsion) were the most frequently reported adverse events also including but not limited to: vaginitis (14.1%), headache (9.8%), upper respiratory tract infection (8.0%), leukorrhea (5.8%), sinusitis (5.7%), nausea (5.2%), and weight gain (4.9%). In addition blood clots and spotting have been found to occasionally occur, while male partners have reported being sick of the ring getting stuck on their wang during the ol’ in-out like some batting donut. Real horror show.