Landshark Lager

November 19, 2008 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Margaritaville, Country: America, Grade: F regular, Style: Macro!.

4.7% ABV from a urinal

“How’s that Landshark Lager?”


“T’is what I heard.  Get me a bottle.”

“Wait.  You want a bottle of it?”



I have that conversation a lot with bartenders.  As much as I love great beers, I also have a perverse fascination with trying the worst of the worst.  Kinda like one of those guys that likes to go whaling, likes to play a little “stick a pig” at the bars.  Thus, I was insanely jealous when my friend was clever enough to try this beer before me.  Despite the clear bottle, despite the terrible name, the ugly packaging, and the Jimmy Buffett pedigree (I mean, seriously?!), I’d never once thought to try it.

But on a recent trip to the bar I saw it on the menu and had to seize on it.  I was too embarrassed to have other bar patrons, other potential-one-night-stands-for-the-evening, seeing me drinking such a piece of shit beer so I went into the little boy’s room for a private tasting.  Locking myself in a filthy public bathroom stall was a fitting place to drink Landshark.  This beer is so bad that we are all the worse for its existence.  My blog will never be the same now that this garbage has sullied my system and my generally regard for the world.  I can’t imagine what kind of person drinks this beer.  Those that find Corona too aggressive?!  The kinda asshole who is old, fat, and wears a Hawaiian shirt literally ever day but still thinks he has a “License to Chill“?  I pondered all these questions as I struggled to get the bottle down.  I never walk out of a terrible movie and I never don’t finish an entire beer.  However, this one I could handle only about half of.  A startling indictment of its quality.

I left the bathroom, returned to the bar, and ordered a Old Grand-Dad triple to cleanse my palate.


27 Responses to “Landshark Lager”

  1. amm002 says:

    Nice! You got further than I did…I discretely poured most of my glass out into the sink, lest my party host get offended by my obvious disdain for the beer.

    On a related note…do you ever dread going places because you know there’s inevitably going to be shit beer on hand?

  2. Depends. If I’m out on a Saturday night and there’s women and friends and good conversation and sports on the TVs, then shitty beer can be pushed into the background and used simply as a conduit to drunkeness.

    On the otherhand, if I drinking casually on a weeknight with a buddy, or a date, no way in hell I’m going any place that doesn’t have a respectable beer menu.

    Ideally, I’d always be drinking good stuff no matter what kind of night I’m settling in for, but it’s not always a possibility. The sports bar I go to has nothing good on tap, so I’m forced to put away pitchers of Miller Lite. Which I did last night. And today I feel like hell. But last night was about sports-watching and hanging with friends so beer was not that important.

    It’s actually gotten to the point where whenever I go to a macro-swilling friend’s house, they are always kind enough to have purchased some “weird” beer for me to have while they drink their stuff. I love them all for according me such respect.

  3. amm002 says:

    Yeah, good point. I’ve turned to the hard stuff on occasion if there’s nothing decent on tap at a particular bar.

  4. For the most part, every single bar in NYC has at least one Sam Adams and/or Brooklyn offering on tap, so that should be the worst you have to do.

    And don’t get me started about the pervasiveness of shitty liquor. That’s a whole ‘nother ball of wax. I’ll have another bourbon review tomorrow hopefully.

  5. amm002 says:

    Oh, BTW, I’m getting Imperial Pilsner very soon. I read they use SIXTEEN ounces of hops per barrel. Holy shit.

  6. My friend still hasn’t made the Imperial Pilsner drop off yet, so I still haven’t had it!

  7. amm002 says:

    Excuse me…12 pounds.

  8. amm002 says:

    That’s 2 pounds per 5 gallon batch…for reference, I typically use between 3-6 ounces per batch of homebrew, depending on the style.

  9. Dirtyspeed says:

    Imperial Pilsner from Sam Adams?

    Here in MN they at least have Summit EPA in most places, I can deal with that.

  10. Yeah, we’re discussing the IP from Sam Adams.

  11. Dirtyspeed says:

    Had it last year, a few times. I liked it, from what I remember it was really hoppy and not sure if there was much of a difference between this and and IPA, though if memory serves correct it was almost dry… but don’t quote me on that.

  12. Yeah, that name has always blown my mind! Never seen that beer around though, I think it’s retired.

  13. Dirty, you keep getting that Minnesota message board mad at me.

    But you know what? I LOVE IT!

  14. Dirtyspeed says:

    ??? How you finding that out? Either way, hilarious. I started the thread years ago, which is how I got the name of my blog. People keep posting crappy beer, I usually let it go, but your thread slamming them should be read.

  15. I can see all my incoming links.

    I can’t believe how angry people are at the besmirching of terrible beer. Hilarious. Keep it up!

  16. Dirtyspeed says:

    I was surprised at how ticked they became.

    Did I tell you I actually went to the Leinenkugel’s brewery in Chippewa Falls? About 2 months ago I went with my father in law and wife. Got a ticket for two free half pints. Decided to give their Oktoberfest a try. Crap. Then the Creamy Dark, which I used to like about 7 years ago, but now it is also crap. And the rest was like Disney World, one big fucking gift shop. Didn’t get to tour the actually brewery though, that might have been the only worth while thing to see the old brewery, that only brews a small amount of their beer. Sorry, it is just not a good beer. Maybe a good swilling all day beer but nothing I would get to enjoy.

  17. Especially cause in just the previous post I give Pabst a B-! Clearly proving I’m not a beer snob as they so think.

    I’ve heard their Big Eddy’s stuff is actually decent.

  18. Dirtyspeed says:

    Yeah, I have yet to have it though. Two place by here have it. I should get one tonight.

  19. amm002 says:

    I had Big Eddy at Stub & Herbs a few weeks ago, I was impressed.

    What is this MN message board you’re talking about?

  20. Thought I showed that to your before, Captain. Second time they’ve gotten pissed at me. Awesome.

  21. amm002 says:

    That’s hilarious. I guess by association they’re upset with me too.

  22. Dirtyspeed says:

    They are always upset with me, the beer thread is probably the only place where my opinion matters.

  23. Now I can’t ever visit Minnesota. I’ll have a hockey fight on my hands! At least I’m a pretty fast skater.

  24. Dirtyspeed says:

    Doesn’t matter. We have a guy named Boogaard here that cannot skate, cannot pass and cannot shoot but can punch your eye into the back of your head. I heard he loves Land Shark.. and I think he knows about this…

  25. settlesdown says:

    “4.7% ABV from a urinal”–Now that’s funny!

  26. Josh says:

    WOW! I wish I had read this blog before buyig a pony keg of this swill! I had just finished my 2-tap kegerator and was anxious to get some kegs tapped. I picked up a pony of a delicious red craft ale from my local microbrewery and thought I’d pick up a keg of something light for the more frequent imbibement. I went to BevMo told them I was looking for something fairly inexpensive with a good ABV. They just so happened to have a pony of LandShark available. Never heard of stuff… I’ll try it! After tapping the keg and taking my firs sip I nearly expelled the swill in laughter. What had I done! Well… if you abandon all sense of taste and pride you may be able to stomach this fine beer. I’m stuck with 5 gallons of it so I will endure. Oh well… we live in learn. Variety is the spice of life right?

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