10.3% ABV from one damn fiiiiine bomber
The lights have been dimmed, a few scented (new car smell) candles lit, in addition to a Glade plug-in at every outlet including several surge protectors. I’ve got some romantic vinyl spinning on my turntable. Naw, not Barry White or Marvin Gaye, that shit’s for movie characters and bumbling, stumbling, fumbling virgins. I’m talking ’bout the legit sexy shit, good lovemaking music that doesn’t just bluntly discuss the act in question but handles it in a more matter-of-fact, nuanced manner ala Chris Isaak or Positive K. You’re right, Positive, if we can’t be lovers than we can’t be friends.
I unbutton an extra button on my Dr. Pepper pajamas, comfortably position myself on my satin bean bag chair just as the doorbell chimes. My butler Godfried brings my guest before. “Hello Darkness my new friend” I suavely say. She cringes, no doubt having heard the Simon & Garfunkel play on words far too often. I remain unflappable, focused, and once my manservant is gone I begin to examine the bottle, diving in immediately and ravishing her, caressing her sexy curves, admiring her beautiful label. I’ve never been so turned on.
Finally, it’s time. With a suppleness acquired from years of experience, I deftly unclasp the the string from the bottle’s neck and remove its luscious red wax top. My masculine hands reach for a bottle opener and quickly I pop off the final barrier between me and my love.
I put my giant Jew shnozz right into my lover’s open orifice, taking a huge inhale. “Goddamn, I said goddamn!” I’ve never smelt anything so fragrant, not even that year-end issue of GQ with all the cologne samples stuffed right into the magazine.
I pour my lover from the bottle, admiring her beauty, a black and flowing River Styx of liquid cascading into my monogrammed chalice (“#1 Dad” (I stole it from a friend)). In the goblet, Darkness’s smell is even more mindblowing, truly the best I’ve even sniffed. A frothy head like a pool of Nestle’s Kwik, I would like to swim in it, the backstroke, freestyle, perhaps even a butterfly if I have the lung capacity.
Nervous to proceed, knowing I may fall badly, I finally surrender, take a sip. Wow, you are one tasty motherfucker, Darkness. The #8 beer in the world according to Beer Advocate, a perfect 100 out of 100 according to Rate Beer.
Darkness goes down so smooth, so easily, it’s hard to believe the ABV on this one. I felt like a one-pump chump, unable to remain disciplined and composed, taking huge gulps, never placing the drink farther than a few inches from my slobbering piehole. I knew I would only have one chance with Darkness and I should savor it, but I couldn’t, I was insatiable for her.
You are one of the most unique stouts, nay beers, I have ever guzzled. So, so sweet, the candi sugar coming through a little like a barley wine. Ever so slight roasted coffee tastes with molasses, raisins, cherries, and berries and chocolate too. Eight different kinds of malts and oats. I even get a little hops coming through, a surprising taste for a stout. Mouthfeel is amazingly light and airy, hardly any stinging booziness at all. Surly, you are famous for your unique, uncategorizable beers and this is yet another one. Clearly a stout, though with so many un-stouty qualities. My kind of women.
Darkness is the best stout I have ever had, quite possibly the best beer I have ever had. It is perfection. Drinking her was a life-changing experience. I laid back on my bean bag chair, still floored, spasming in my loins, trying to catch my breath, and relishing every delicious burp of Darkness I expelled from my mouth.
I now finally know what it means to be a man, I’ll never again be able to deal with silly, little, frivolous and vapid girls.
I wonder if I shall ever see her again. If not, we’ll always have Paris…
Hyooooooooooooge hat tip to The Captain for setting me up on a date with this one.