Port Hop 15

10% ABV from a bomber

Like John Lennon I’m a dreamer, which means I come up with lotsa terrible ideas.  Though most of mine don’t involve helping poor people or creating communist societies.

I had neglected to shave for the previous two weeks and had become quite scraggly.  It was itching me which was exacerbated by some in-home drinking I was doing last night at a gal’s apartment as we watched “The Office” and “30 Rock.”  Drinking heightens most of my senses like I’m the Incredible Hulk.  Sounds become louder, foods becomes tastier, beards become itchier.  Thus, as we later got ready for bed (her removing five-hundred superfluous pillows from the mattress, me going to the bathroom to piss and flex in the mirror) I had a good idea.  I would shave before bed.  I drunkenly thought, all girls like a freshly shaved guy, this will be a nice surprise.  (Girl will claim to like scruffy guys but they really only like ones like Ryan Gosling or Sawyer from “Lost,” not regular guys like us.)

So, without asking permission, I took from the bathtub ledge some Skintimate “Flirty Mango” shaving cream and her Venus Breeze razor.  I figured, despite the fact these products are intended for a woman’s legs, surely it will shave like a man’s razor.  Aren’t all female products strong enough for a man but made for a woman?  Most products are bogus too, the exact same thing just with different packaging to redefine it for a different market.  I figured the Venus would be just like a man’s razor only…like purple and pink I guess. 

Whoa boy was I wrong.  And I realized it instantly.  Ladies’ leg razor are so different from men’s razors.  The blades–of which the woman’s has less–are incredibly thin and placed much closer together than on a man’s razor.  The Venus was also far more flexible, like a violin bow.  I had trouble controlling it.  It was very hard to shave with and almost instantly my coarse black Jewy hair got stuck in the blades.  And I couldn’t clean them out no matter how much water I used and how many backshaving swabs I did on a hand towel. 

Each time I swiped my face, like literally only five follicles would be plucked out.  I kept hot-watering down my skin and adding more and more foam for lubrication, but it didn’t matter.  It was taking forever and I had like 25% of my beard removed.  Poorly.  It was patchy and I looked like a fool.  Eventually, I couldn’t get the blades clean enough to even use and I had no choice but to exit the bathroom and admit my folly to my bedmate. 

At first she laughed at me, foam skidding down my neck and onto my chest.  Then she realized that I had obviously used her razor.  Suffice to say she was not happy.  However, being a sweet girl–or perhaps not wanting to share a bed with a man that looked like the wolfboy attacked by topiary shears–she hustled down to Duane Reade and got me a Mach3 Turbo and some new safety razors for herself. 

Finally clean-shaven and smelling like delicious mangos, as we went to bed I promised never to use her products again…though I secretly knew I would use her Neutrogena Rainbath bodywash in the morning.  That shit is fantastic, a fresh scent and no lingering residue!

Another bad idea was having the highly-regarded Hop 15–currently a top 100 beer in the world–immediately after imbibing the monumental Surly Darkness.  A masterpiece like Darkness can make even a great beer seem like pisswater by comparison.  Luckily, Hop 15 more than held its own.  An incredibly bold double IPA bordering on a strong ale, action-packed with hops (fifteen different ones added every fifteen minutes!) and major maltage.  I actually felt the malts overshadowed the typical citrus and piney flavors you would expect in an IPA, but that didn’t matter to me.  This was a damn fine beer, something I’d put in the same class as the noted Dogfish Head 90 Minute.  Very boozy, a somewhat heavy mouthfeel, and it packed a major whallop.  A nice end to one of the better single drinking days of my life.

A

NOTE:  No companies paid for product mentions in the preceding piece.  I could only fucking dream.  I’m more than willing to be a shill!