PREVIOUSLY ON MY TOP TEN MOST WANTED LIST
12.5% ABV from a waxed-covered bomber
Living in a city like New York, food isn’t hard to come by, no matter the time, your location, or your mental state. Thus, when wasted, one should always be able to get a slice of pizza, perhaps some cheap Chinese or Indian food, or even a sandwich at the all-night bodega. But sometimes you get so drunk that you lose your wallet, or your bearings, or…your sense of self, and next thing you know you find yourself grubbing on the most despicable of concoctions.
This rarely happens for me, but here are some of my worst ever drunken meals.
5. Macadamia nuts — “Macadamia Nuts?!” you say. How can that be my 5th worst drunken meal ever? Aren’t macadamia nuts delicious? Indeed they are. In fact, I’d dare call them the second best nut after the unshelled pistachio. So what gives? Here’s what gives. I was in DC for a wedding and, as the only single guy amongst my friends, I was forced to get my own room at the ritzy hotel. After a night of drunken floundering with female wedding guests I returned to my room alone. Where I apparently ate an entire jar of macadamia nuts from the mini-bar. Something I don’t remember at all. By morning there were none left save one single nut on the floor. I tried it. Phenomenal. Price for jar: $35! As Morty Seinfeld once said, “They’re like 80 cents a nut!” I think I paid an even higher rate. I would have been better off buying two PPV porns.
4. Burger King — No explanation necessary. If you ever are drunk and BK is your only choice, just save yourself the 1500 calories and go to bed.
3. Can of uncooked vegetarian chili — For a while I lived with a vegetarian female roommate. Meaning that I stayed quite skinny as she never had anything worthwhile to steal when I came home drunk at 4:00 AM. However, one night I was so desperate for sopping-up-the-booze sustenance that I swiped a can of her vegetarian chili, spent about 45 minutes trying to figure out how to use a can opener, before eating the cold, uncooked chili straight from the tin like some boxcar hobo. It was disgusting.
2. Circus Peanuts — A few months ago I went out drinking hardcore and I don’t even remember how I got home, a running theme I’m sure you’re starting to notice. The next morning I woke up in bed completely clothed, even my shoes still on. And, surrounding me in bed and on the floor was a spilled bag of circus peanuts. You know, those orange gelatinous chunks of disgustingness. I hate those things when I’m sober. Why in the world did I buy some at 4:00 AM? Was I hankering for Styrofoam? I picked one peanut up and took a bite. I immediately sprinted to the bathroom to dry heave.
1. My most humiliating drunken eating experience happened just last week though. I had gone out drinking with the boys but had arranged to end the night at the apartment of a girl I hook up with on occasion. Arriving at her place at 3:00 AM I didn’t think I was that drunk. I didn’t think I was that hungry either. The next morning though, when I woke up, the girl had a strange look on her face.
“What did you do in my kitchen last night?”
“There’s Parmesan cheese everywhere.”
I had a drunken flashback to the night before. After we had hooked up, she had immediately crashed. I, however, realized that I needed a nosh. Like a cat burglar I snuck into her kitchen to examine her vittles. Fuck! She had nothing. Literally nothing to eat. No chips, cookies, leftover pizza, nothing. All she had in her fridge was salad dressing and…one of those large shakers of Kraft Parmesan Cheese.
Now in my sober life, I hate that shit. If I’m eating pasta, I want real fresh Parmesan shaved over top it. Not some powdery, chalky pseudo-cheese. But, I guess at 5:00 in the morning drunk, I thought this would satisfy. And, in my flashback, I recall turning my head upside down over the sink, like someone about to get their hair shampooed at the salon, before I proceeded to literally shake the cheese powder into my face, for the most part missing my pie hole and getting it everywhere else. In the full-of-water cups in the sink, on the counter-top, coating the floor.
I was so humiliated, I just had to pretend that I had no clue what had happened. I even blamed her roommate. And, of course, the girl didn’t accuse me of eating powdered cheese straight from the shaker because, I mean, come on, what kind of deviant would do that?!
The kind of deviant like me that starts his night with a bomber of 12.5% barley wine. Recently when I was visiting friends in DC they took me to one of the best beer bars in America, Birreria Paradiso, where I was stunned to see that they had a single off-the-menu bottle of the famed Three Floyds Behemoth Barleywine, a beer I thought I would never be lucky enough to indulge in.
They charged us $20 for the bomber but it was well worth it. The smell was potent and awesome, tons of malts and hops. The taste was similar, quite burning and boozy, minimal carbonation, with tastes of pine, citrus, and caramel. My minor issues is that the mouthfeel is a little thin and it could use a tad more sweetness. Not the absolute best barley wine I’ve ever had, but damn fine.
So what are some of the worst things you have ever ate (eaten? I can never conjugate correctly) while drunk?