Harviestoun Ola Dubh Special 30 Reserve

January 21, 2009 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Harviestoun, Country: United Kingdom, Grade: A-, Style: Old Ale.

8% ABV handsomely bottled

She was so hot.  And I was on my game.  I’d make a joke, she’d laugh.  Uproariously.  I’d make a witty observation.  She’d nod in agreement.  “So true.”  She was impressed with me!  Both my present lot in life and my dreams for the future.  I was instantly in love with her.  We made plans to have our first date on Friday.  Sex was inferred.  Lots of it.  She went to the bar’s bathroom.

“Why are you talking to that disgusting pig?”

Sal butted in.   My other friends were mocking me.

“What are you talking about?  That girl’s way attractive.”

“Not at all. She’s like a 4 out of 10.”

BULLSHIT.

I thought my friends were getting my goat.  Fucking with me.  And who says that they have good taste?  They drink shitty macro beers and are disgusted by anything that actually has hops in it.  Why should their thoughts on women be any more than unsophisticated? I was certain the new love of my laugh was gorgeous.

A girl she was with started to dry heave in the bathroom so they had to split.  I spent all the next day fantasizing about her, even though I couldn’t picture her and didn’t even recall her name.

She finally Facebook friended me Thursday night.  And my friends were indeed wrong.  She wasn’t a 4 out of 10. 

She was like a 2.

“And those are good pictures of her,” my asshole of a friend chipped in, without me even asking.

Oh, did I mention I was like twenty beers deep on Wednesday?

I had started drinking at 5:00 PM with some quite hefty brews, uncorking a bottle of the Ola Dubh Special 30 year. We all know my thoughts on beers that are corked, foil-wrapped, boxed, and/or barrel-aged (in this case in Scotch) so this was certain to be a winner. And indeed it was. Scotchy, boozy, though still quite drinkable with a smooth creaminess and nice mouthfeel. A very good brew.

Obviously, I had to make up a lie and back out of our scheduled date.

I told this story to another friend on Saturday and he gave me an incredible pearl of wisdom:

If you are incredibly drunk and a girl is still seemingly into you, then she is probably disgusting.

I thought back to my interactions with the girl on the night in question and I began to have some flashbacks.

I remembered some of the jokes I was making. Cringe-worthingly unfunny. I recalled some of the antics I pulled. Just really fucking annoying. I harkened back to the topics I discussed with her. Embarrassingly self-indulgent and dumb.

Now I understood why my friends did not want to deal with me that night! And, I also understood why the girl did. She wasn’t amused by me. Nor was she impressed. And she certainly didn’t find me funny. She was simply sucking it up and letting me act like a drunk asshole for the plain and simple fact that I was…a man. A man actually talking to her, hitting on her, for once. No attractive woman–fuck, no average-looking woman–would have put up with my garbage. This girl was forced to.

Unfortunately for her, I actually have standards–quite brutal standards–when I’m sober, so obviously she had no chance with me by the next day. Women, if you really want me and you’re ugly, you better find me on a wasted night and seize the day then lest you never get another shot.

Though my friend’s nugget of insight really changed my drunken seduction mindset, it also upset me.

“So does this mean that I can never get an attractive women when I’m absolutely shitfaced?” I asked him.

He smiled knowingly.

“Nope. She can be even drunker than you and wake up the next day looking at you sleeping beside her and think, ‘God, what have I done?'”

A-


61 Responses to “Harviestoun Ola Dubh Special 30 Reserve”

  1. KingOttoIII says:

    I still say you marry her.

  2. KingOttoIII says:

    You really think she is a 2? That is kinda harsh. I would say:

    10/0 are about 1 in a Billion
    9/1 are about 1 in a Million
    8/2 are about 1 in a Thousand
    7/3 are about 1 in a Hundred
    6/4 are about 1 in Four
    5 is about 1 in Two

  3. Sal, those numbers are insane.

    Really, there’s only six 10s in the entire world? Really?! Come on. That’s absurd.

  4. ACTUALLY…

    You’re only saying there are 3 FEMALE tens in the entire world? Ludicrous.

  5. The Choker says:

    Please divulge the 3 10’s in the world. I need to hear this

  6. I feel even worse for those three 0s.

    I’ll get your started Sal:

    1. Scarlett Johannson

  7. The Choker says:

    2. Heidi Klum

    I believe that this isnt a standard distribution bell curve. The curve is definitely skewed to the lower numbers. Far more uglies out there (atleast in my neighborhood)

  8. In a world of 3.3 billion women there are both oodles of 10s and 0s. Not many we may run into, but they’re out there.

  9. KingOttoIII says:

    See my standards are higher than yours. I think a 10 should be perfect and is just about impossible to be.

    Scarlett Johannson is a 7. I dont get her. I like Jeff Garcias Beard.

  10. You need serious help KOIII if you think ScarJo is a 7.

    Jeff Garcia’s wife is also a 10.

  11. The Choker says:

    Call me crazy, and you know I hate agreeing with KOIII, but ScarJo in a bar would actually be just another pretty girl . Nothing really “10”ish about her IMO.

  12. You two are retards. Believe me, she would not be “just another pretty girl.” If that’s the case, then why is she not “just another pretty girl” in PrettyGirlLand (i.e. Hollywood)? Why is she considered by millions as maybe the hottest girl AMONGST the hottest girls in the world?

    What do you have issue with? The phenomenal breasts, the pouty lips, the Rapunzel blonde locks? “Just another pretty girl.” HA.

  13. And what bars are you going to that has plenty of women comparable to her? Oh yeah, the same bars where I only meet 2s left and right like in the above story.

  14. The Choker says:

    A gaggle of ScarJo quality women walked right by you the night you were hanging with the “2”

  15. Patently false. On Monday the best looking girls in the bar where frumpy and boring 6s. A waitress or two may have been a 7. If ScarJo walked into that bar wearing her pajamas she would still absolutely blow away ever other female in there.

  16. Tony says:

    Yeah, every midwestern town is literred with “10’s” that are really 8’s and 7’s. Those numbers don’t match up at all.

  17. So you agree with me or KOIII, Tony?

  18. KingOttoIII says:

    1. I think dark hair and dark skin beats blond and light skin. You are tricked by blond hair (see the “2” from the other night).

    2. I care a lot about face and Miss Scarlet isnt that great. She looks Eastern European to me, that isnt a good thing. Greg could get her if she wasnt famous. Actually I am shocked Craig doesnt like her since he likes Charlize Theron, who is similar looking.

    3. She has giant boobage and I am not a boob guy. I like a nice chest but do not need mountains. Those pics of her in that red top make her look too big IMO. I think you are blinded by that as well.

  19. Ha, now you’re bashing Charlize Theron, another one of the most beautiful women in the world. Hysterical.

    Scarlett’s face is flawless. Perfectly symmetrical with nice doe eyes and a cute as a button schnoz.

  20. KingOttoIII says:

    She looks like a lady of the night taking a mug shot here:

    http://timothyzhu.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/scarlett_johansson_009.jpg

    She looks like a dude here:

    http://justjared.buzznet.com/images/2006/04/scarlett-johansson-nose-ring.jpg

    Fancy makeup and a big rack can distract people.

  21. The Choker says:

    Charlize Theron >>>> ScarJo. And it ain’t close

  22. Sal, who exactly do you consider a good-looking women then? And I want you to list blondes.

    The Choker: Fair enough, I can perfectly understand you like CT better. I don’t as I prefer women with some hips, tits, and ass. CT is an unquestionable 10, but a little lithe for me.

  23. KOIII:

    It took you til page 10 of a google image search to find what you considered an ugly picture of Scarlett:

    http://images.google.com/images?ndsp=18&um=1&hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&q=scarlett+johannson&start=162&sa=N

    Ipso facto proof that she is attractive.

  24. KingOttoIII says:

    This is before she was Hollywooded up. She was only 16 but it shows her natural looks before she had teh Hollywood makeover which every girl does. If she never caught her break and made it to Hollywood, or if she wanted to be a teacher when she grew up, she would be a girl that we run into at a bar.

    http://a.abcnews.com/images/Entertainment/wi_ghost_070823_ssh.jpg

  25. Comparing her looks from “Ghost World” is patently unfair. And I remember seeing that movie in theatres the year it came out and going “WOW. Who is that girl?” I knew she was going to be a superstar. Millions and millions of other red-blooded men agree with me.

  26. KingOttoIII says:

    You are using a list that has Ann Hathaway as #5. How am I to take that list seriously? Scarlett is by far hotter than her. We could go bar hoping in Montana and come across a dozen girls better than Ann, assuming that there are bars in Montana and coming across 12 girls is legal.

  27. I’ve seen Anne in person and she is mindblowingly hot.

  28. 'Cuse says:

    haha – wow.

  29. KingOttoIII says:

    Well she looks plain as can be on film, TV, and in pics. Look at photo#4 of her from that list. She looks awful in that pic. There is nothing sexy about Annie.

    I am starting to think you have low standards and you really liked that bar chick. But you caved to peer pressure and agreed she was below avg at best. Dont let us get in the way of true love.

  30. Dave says:

    I didn’t think Anne belonged that high on the list. She does belong but not at 5. She paid someone off for that ranking. I’d say she belongs between 30-40

  31. Believe me, Sal, my standards are much higher than yours. Again I ask…name me who you consider to be a blonde 10.

  32. KingOttoIII says:

    Like I said above there is no such thing as a 10. A girl would have to have a perfect everything. There are maybe 5 girls in the entire world who could even be considered. I wrote you a list of 12 blondes. It must not have taken correctly. I would say my #1 is Bette Midler. After that I will give you some categories:

    Best Model: Rebecca Romain
    Best Actress: Elisha Cuthbert
    Best Singer: Jessica Simpson
    Best Older Chick: Kim Cattrall
    Best Young Chick: Hayden Pantierre
    Best Rich Chick: Ivanka Trump
    Best Sports Chick: Marissa Miller (being in SI counts right?)
    Best Sloppy Mess: Britney Spears
    Best Reality Star: LC

    I hope I didnt miss anyone as this was off the top of my head.

  33. LC like the fourth best looking girl on “The Hills” what with her pie face and birth control mustache line.

    To think doughy Elisha Cuthbert is the best looking blonde actress is mental. She is cute, no question. Hot perhaps. I won’t even debate whether she is a 10, she certainly is. But the best?!

  34. KingOttoIII says:

    So how would you list each? I want you to name names. Blondes only.

  35. Best Model: Rebecca Romijn (she’s hot no question and may have been the best a half-decade ago, but now she’s aging) MINE: Keeley Hazell
    Best Actress: MINE: Scarlett Johannson
    Best Singer: Jessica Simpson AGREED
    Best Older Chick: Kim Cattrall (if you think that’s a good-looking women you are insane) I could list 50 better looking “old” women than her. Christie Brinkley, Claudia Schiffer, Elle McPherson, Diane Lane…
    Best Young Chick: Hayden Pantierre (I suppose)
    Best Rich Chick: Ivanka Trump (Good enough)
    Best Sports Chick: Marissa Miller (being in SI counts right?) (Completely fine with that)
    Best Sloppy Mess: Britney Spears (not worth debating)
    Best Reality Star: You could name literally hundreds of slutty reality stars better than LC. Heidi Montag is superior to LC.

  36. BDH says:

    I’m with Aaron that King’s #s for 10s is far too low, but I actually think the 0 is even more off the mark. I can walk down a row of cubes in my building and find a few of them.

  37. BDH, I’ve accidentally hooked up with at least two 0s!

  38. BDH says:

    If this post is any indication, I’m not sure I buy the “accidentally” part.

    But point taken, we all have a few boot nasty skeletons in our closet.

  39. Tony says:

    WHOA. I need to start refreshing pages hea. This has gotten way out of control.

    Aaron, to answer your question, I am with you over King Otto. If you want to end this argument, just throw out the analogy of creationism vs. evolution. The stats just outweigh the “belief.”

    And Charlize is by far, top 5, and in my mind, the best out of them all. She as great since day one (Two Days in the Valley) all the way until now. Her recent de-clothing commercial, anyone? She barely shows any skin in that and I was still rolling with lust.

    Also, using ScarJo at age 16 or whatever in Ghost World is unfair. Take any sophomore girl at your high school, and guaranteed she is two points higher at age 25. “Hollywood-ing” her up is the same as a woman maturing, to a degree.

  40. The Choker says:

    Hillary Swank is hot. Discuss.

  41. She’s a tough one I’ve debated for years. She’s never absolutely smoking or anything, but sometimes she is beautiful. Throwing out the movies where she plays a boy or something else weird, she can still range from pretty damn gorgeous to just boring. Ditto at award shows where she can be glamorous and sexy or boyish and disgusting. I would say on the whole though that she has a splendid body and is usually on the positive side of good-looking. So long as she doesn’t whip out those giant chompers.

    What do you think?

  42. The Choker says:

    I side with Michael Scott….HOT

    I have a feeling that KO will be siding with Andy Bernard on this one.

  43. Was that in tonight episode or something? I haven’t watched yet.

    But I would say she is a 7 or 8. Great body, incredibly well-structured face.

  44. The Choker says:

    You must watch…it could not have been more apropos to this whole Scarlet Johannson controversy.

  45. OK, I’ll fire up the DVR in a second.

  46. KingOttoIII says:

    Seven or an Eight?!!!!!! Good God 80% of women in your world must be hot. I wish I lived in that world. Skank is not hot. I couldnt stop laughing thinking of this thread. It just goes to show that anyone can be a writer, they are just a bunch of talentless hacks. How can anyone be a writer for a living? :)

    As to Tony, being hot is like having a high IQ. You are born with it or you are not. Your IQ and hotness cant change. Sure you can gain knowledge as you get older and you can mature with your looks. But you cant get any better no matter how hard you try. Low IQ people try and use a lot of words throwing in a big one or two but actually say nothing. They try and act like a smart person would but most can tell they are full of shit. Same goes with looks. Thats what I meant by Hollywooding up. You can take a lot of girls off the street that look normal. Give them a Hollywood makeup artist, Hollywood hair dresser, and Hollywood stylist and they are “hot”. That is why we have make-over shows. And look at that girl that dated Tony Romo. She was an avg chick then went on Idol and now she is in Hollywood and is hot. Hot women dont need all the Hollywood help. In fact they couldnt not look hot no matter how little makeup, how messy her hair, and how sloppy her clothing.

  47. Sal, next time we are at a bar I will rate every single girl in there and then we will compare them to your own rankings. I guarantee my standards are tougher than yours. Until then, shut the fuck up.

    “There are no ugly women, just lazy ones.” — Coco Chanel

    And actually, Sal, one’s IQ can and does change over time. Then again, you are a creationist so I don’t expect you to follow science like I do.

  48. Here’s the deal…any bar, any time, any place this weekend, we will soberly rate every single woman in the bar. We will have an independent person also do their personal rating. We will compare and see who standard deviates the most. The winner will never have their girl hotness recognition abilities questioned again. Both of us will also be called huge nerds. And, best of all, we will have a great Vice Blog entry.

  49. The Choker says:

    I would like to be considered for the “independent” woman rater position.

  50. I have no issue with that but Sal will claim you’ll favor me since neither of us have any “taste.”

  51. KingOttoIII says:

    Your IQ is relative to your peer age group. You can gain knowledge but your learning abiltiy doesnt change. Craig if you gave Sal as a baby the worst education and my brothers the best education money could buy, who would be smarter?

    Aaron explain to me where humans came from? What did one day a bunch of cells say you know what we can do more if we fuse together? If that is the case then why didnt all the cells become humans? Why become a tree or a fish and be at the bottom of the food chain. And how did these cells determine who would be a ball sac and who would be a brain cell? Humans have changed vastly over the years but we have been on the Earth since the Aliens put us here. We have no proof as to otherwise. And we have no proof the Earth is any older than recorded history.

  52. Patently false. There are several factors that can cause one’s IQ to get better. Can a retard become Einstein? Of course not. But IQs do get better and worse over the years due to a variety of factors that have NOTHING to deal with learning.

    But I’m starting to understand why the King doesn’t think IQ or hotness can change. The fact that he thinks one’s “hotness” is decided the day he or she is born, makes me better understand why he hasn’t done a sit-up since Bush’s first term and thinks a pizza, a full order of mac & cheese, and a milkshake makes for a reasonable “brunch.” Why give a damn if you can’t change your lot in life?

    Why is Hollywood hiring all these 7s and wasting time “Hollywooding” them up when they could just hire straight 10s? Seems like a waste of time and effort.

    We don’t have proof of gravity either. Maybe God refuses to let us be aloft for longer than a second.

  53. I mean, everyone knows the FACT that breastfeeding adds about 5-7 points to one’s birth IQ. A huge total of additional points. That factor alone shows that IQ isn’t a static number the day you slide out of your mom’s twat.

  54. KingOttoIII says:

    IMO there are like a dozen 10s in the entire world. Hard for Hollywood to work with only 5 actresses/singers/models to choose from.

    The bar girl rating I am not sure what the point will be. I think there are very few 9s or 10s in the world. And chances are very high no 7 or 8 would enter the bar. I also think there are very few 0s and 1s in the world. And chances are very high no 2 or 3 would enter the bar. I think 90% of women are between a 4 and a 6. Meanwhile I think you believe there are a lot of 0-3s and 7-10s. I have higher standards for good looking girls but you have higher standards for ugly girls.

    How can it be a fact that breast feeding adds IQ points? You cannot tell the IQ of a new born. So how do you know that it increased? And if breast milk makes us all smarter why is it not mass produced? Why do we not have breast milk farms in Asia selling high priced milk to rich people and dictators?

  55. I score very few women 9 or 10 either. Very few.

    Argue with scientists, not me. They all agree that breast feeding adds IQ points.

  56. And if you are saying one is born with their IQ for life YET you don’t think it’s possible to know the IQ of a new born, then you are contradicting yourself.

  57. KingOttoIII says:

    How do you measure a new born? All new borns do is eat, sleep, and shit. If there were a accurate test then yes you can measure new borns.

    And many scientists say you cant change your IQ.

    BTW we have proof of gravity. That is just silly.

  58. I will be a gentleman and let you have the final word above.

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