I hate bar crawls. So lame. I know that’s going against conventional drunkard wisdom but I just don’t like them. A bunch of fat guys and ugly girls that never drink decide to make some t-shirts on Zazzle or at Kinko’s, mob together around a nebulous idea or celebration, say “Woohoo!” a lot, and pretend they are having a caaaaaaaaaaaa-razy time on a Sunday afternoon while the rest of us are just trying to have our steak and eggs and watch some college hoops. Then, by the third or fourth bar, one guy is passed out in the corner, some chick has pissed her pants, and two friends are making out in a booth. Boring. That’s why I invented something truly interesting:
The 86ed Bar Crawl
Here’s how it works: One may not head to the next bar until they have been ejected from the previous bar.
Sounds simple? It’s not. Especially when I list a few things you are NOT allowed to do.
1. Use curse words or epithets — That’s too easy. Any one can just throw out a few n-words or f-bombs or…cunts, and get tossed. So have some creativity. Say things that sound like curse words. Like niggardly. Dumb people think that’s an offensive word when it just means stingy or miserly. Tell the black barkeep, “Jeez, pal, quit being so niggardly with your bourbon pours. You only gave me like two fingers worth!” You’ll be on your ass on the curbside in no time.
2. Intentionally throw something or break something — As some one who likes to do these things when I am lit up, I will tell you that they often quickly lead to ejections. For some reason, when I’m wasted I find it hysterical to “make it rain” using bar napkins or tiny red straws, grabbing an entire stack and throwing them in the air. Yes, this is why no one likes me, especially service industry professionals. You can however, legally, accidentally, drop your pint glass a time or two, but I will note that that action will actually not lead to many tossings and just causes a mess which will make you feel bad when you see the lonely bar back getting the mop out.
3. Physically altercate someone — Everyone knows the easiest way to get thrown out of any establishment — bars, sporting venues, Synagogue — is by coming to blows with another human or employee or the Rabbi, so that is why fighting is simply not allowed.
4. Actively try to goad someone into physically altercating you — This is a debatable issue but I don’t think it’s fair to get in some one’s face — especially a musclebound Red Bulled-up meathead — and encourage them to slug you. Hitting on their girl, making fun of their sleeveless T and orangey fake tan, and slyly lampooning their drink choice (”Huh, you usually don’t see men order Sex on the Beach shots.”) is perfectly acceptable though.
5. Tip poorly – Just not fair to the bartender or waiter. Tipping with change or weird coinage (a buffalo penny?) is probably not verboten but it is pretty uncouth. Then again, most all is fair in love, war, and the 86ed bar crawl.
So there you have it, your guidelines for the 86ed Bar Crawl. Now venture out there, impressionable youngsters, and have some fun with it. How many bars do you think you can get 86ed from in a night? As for me, I do an ad hoc 86ed bar crawl nearly every time I go out drinking. I think my one-night “record” is four establishments. I really need to grow up.
How would you get ejected from each venue during an 86ed bar crawl?
I would never claim to have tried every Dogfish Head beer, they make so goddamn many I could literally have a Vice Blog devoted solely to that brewery, but I thought I had at least heard of all their offerings. Apparently not so as I was a bit excited to spy this on the shelves. Arguably my favorite brewery, I never miss a chance to try another of their inventive offerings. This was quite good, though not transcendent by any means. It’s a very nice strong ale accented with juniper berries, vanilla, and maple syrup which gives it just a hint of sweetness that makes it feel almost like a strong ale/barley wine hybrid. DFH claims it is oak barrel aged but I didn’t detect those tastes. Very good.
“On your deathbed, it’s your virtues, not your vices, that you’ll resent.”
(Author unknown. I was cleaning up some papers just this morning and found this written in one of my notebooks. But who said it? Me?!)