5.9% ABV from a grrrrrrrrrrowler
Google: the geek squad sucks
Results 1 – 10 of about 120,000 for the geek squad sucks. (0.23 seconds)
Google: fuck the geek squad
Results 1 – 10 of about 58,900 for fuck the geek squad. (0.19 seconds)
Google: the geek squad can fellate my giant circumcised jew-cock
No results found for “the geek squad can fellate my giant circumcised jew-cock”.
Well then let me be the first to add that phrase to the internet and get it search engine filed. Should help my SEO among angry Jews with computer problems.
They are the Geek Squad and, yes, they are admittedly, clearly, geeks, but I’m not sure that is even the most apropos name for these miscreants:
The Wispy Upper Lip Hair Squad?
The Foul Body Odor Squad?
The Asocial Pedant Squad?
The Virgins Til I Angrily Bugger Them Squad???
Am I being hyperbolically harsh? No, I don’t think. Because I would go so far as to say that–ignoring public employees such as those that work at the USPS, the DMV, for the MTA, and in the House of Representatives–Geek Squad employees are the worst workers the American private sector has to offer above such other anti-luminaries as Time Warner customer services reps, Poughkeepsie Dunkin Donut employees, and New York Knickerbockers.
My computer has the most minor of problems right now as the back plug-in has been jostled a bit through everyday wear and tear and now I can no longer keep my power supply in and, in fact, the battery has completely drained, rendering my computer a $1000 piece of cheap plastic and metal that can’t be used. Now I’m no expert, but I figured fixing this would be quick, cheap, and easy. No, sir. Not when the fucking Geek Squad is involved.
Firstly, I do all my errands in the middle of weekdays so I don’t have to deal with buffoons. It’s interesting, for such a committed Manhattanite, I absolutely detest dealing with other human beings that aren’t bartenders and avoid them all costs, ordering everything I buy off the internet and only dealing with real folks in the most dire of circumstance. Well, as I predicted, Best Buy was dead as disco at 2 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I found only one other person in front of me in the Geek Squad line.
45 minutes later I was still behind this hipster doofus who was in an Earl Weaver/umpire shouting match, a typical scene at Geek Squad HQ. Meanwhile, I could count at least a dozen employees in visual sight, at least half of them other Geek Squad workers, sitting in the back, lounging, reading Wizard magazine, having some homoerotic grab ass. With several other registers and countless counter space available to help me you’d think one might hop to, but nope, not how the Geek Squad works. To much WoW strategy to discuss. And seemingly no upper management to yell at the lower-level staff.
I finally get to the front of the line and am greeted by a stereotypical Squad member. Doughy enough to sell biscuits in a tube, short sleeved dress shirt with visible underarm yellowing, black tie covered in Quizno’s mystery sauce, greasy hair matted to his head, and some beady eyes staring at me in contempt behind giant Harry Carey goggles.
At this point, no matter what the problem with your computer, no matter how large or small, you will enter a standard operating procedure between you and the Geek Squader in which he will behave in the follow steps.
Step One: Truculently greet you
No “Hello, sir”–no “sir” or “ma’am” at all for that matter–no “How can I help you?,” “What seems to be the problem?,” or “How are you?” No, you will be greeted with an eye roll and perhaps a grunt. Or, even worse, you will have to clear your throat, bang on the counter, or simply say, “Can I get some fucking help?!” to get the Geek to even look up at you.
Step Two: Dismiss your problems
I briefly explained my problem and he quickly dismissed me, acting as if I clearly broke my laptop.
“Do you ever carry your laptop around?”
Yes, of course, it’s a laptop. That’s like asking me if I drive my car.
“Do you every type on it on your lap? Or in a coffee shop or something?”
Again, yes, of course, it’s a motherfucking laptop.
“Well then, the cord probably got banged up due to your aggressiveness with it while moving it around.”
“Aggressiveness?!” Ha. The only way I could have been less aggressive with my computer in question would have been to never take it out of the box.
Step three: Act like you’re a fool that knows far less about computer than them. Offer expensive fix.
This step involves the Geek doing a lot of scoffing, a lot of supercilious smirking, and a lot of upturned palms “Whadaya want me to do about it?”s. Then, they suggest you pay approx. $500 to have it fixed.
Step four: Don’t even test out their theories on what is wrong. Offer expensive fix.
My Geek looked at my laptop for about a millisecond before saying, yeah, it’s the plug-in that’s broken. That’ll cost you an absurd amount.
But how could he know all this in a millisecond?!
Step five: Begrudgingly test when you yell at them because you are far bigger than them and could give them a wedgie
I was furious at how quickly he examined my laptop, how he tried to throw around computer jargon and argot that he thought I might not know in order to make me cower and completely allow my fate to be settled by him. I mean, look, I spent my youth playing sports and being popular, but I’m not a retard, I know a thing or two about computers. “Could you at least test a few things out and confirm for me what is probably wrong with it?”
With a huff and a puff…
Step 5b. Pull out universal power adapter.
This is the Geek squads’ one go-to move. In fact, it’s the only fucking move they have. You know why?! Cause they don’t know how to fucking do anything related to computer aside from wasting your goddamn time. So they’ll reach under the counter, pull out a giant bag of widgets, look for the one that matches your device’s plug-in, then hook it up to the universal adapter and plug you in.
And, you know what…?
Step six: Are now somewhat confused about what is wrong. Problem is ambiguous. Offer expensive fix.
Their earlier dismissiveness is now proven wrong because they are fucking wrong. In fact, they are now as confused about your computer’s problem(s) as you are. In fact, they won’t be able to fix it in the actual Best Buy you currently stand in. But they never act like they are so inferior that they can’t fix a simple computer, oh no, they continue to act rude and superior to you.
Step seven: Send in to shop.
What is the point of the fucking Geek Squad if they can’t fix shit?!??! I’ve constantly gone to the Geek Squad with some of the most minor computer problems ever–some of which I later went home, Googled the problem myself, and then with nothing more than a pair of needle-nose pliers, perhaps another tool, fixed the computer myself–and never once has the employee said, “Sure, we’ll have this fixed in an hour. Go look through some DVDs and video games and we’ll page you when we’re finished.”
Nope. Getting a computer “fixed” by the Geek squad always involves them charging you money so that they can mail it to the manufacturer so that the manufacturer can spend several weeks fixing it themselves before mailing it back to the Geek Squad. Fuck the Geek Squad. Save yourself some time, cut out the middle man, assume the Geek Squad can’t fix shit, and just mail it to the manufacturer yourself.
Step eight: Go back to reading Wizard magazine
The Geek Squad exists as nothing more than gatekeepers to misery. Timewasters of the highest order. There is no point in using them unless you need your ire greatly raised.
Well, now I know.
I was so fucking heated after my futile foray with the Geek Squad that I needed beer, post-haste. Luckily, The Captain had literally shipped me a fresh and full sealed growler of Masala Mama, to make up for the less-than-fresh attempt we propagated last time. Beautiful. Fragrant. Flawless hops bitterness. One of the best single IPAs I’ve ever had just below DFH 60 Minute and one of the great session beers of all time. Not sure it deserves its lofty place on the Best of BA list–I reserve best beer in the world status for bigger asskickers–but it is truly a great beer.
So here I am, computerless, forced to type my hilarious Vice Blog entries using t9 on my mobile phone–seriously–or during the rare chances I can borrow my fuck buddy’s computer when she isn’t playing Scramble on Facebook.* Alas, it is not the easiest way to write.
Oh well, I got a new laptop being shipped to me right now. I ordered it online. I’m never dealing with humans again. Any one want to buy another laptop that can’t be turned on?
*I’ve always hated the word “fuck buddy.” So childish, so lame, so crass, so unnecessarily profane. Can’t we come up with something better, people? Fornicating friends, bangin’ buddies, intercourse pals, coitus companions, copulation cronies, screwing sidekicks, intimate intimates…? I like the elegance of the lattermost, personally.