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Leinenkugel’s Red Lager

February 18th, 2009 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Jacob Leinenkugel, Country: America, Grade: C plus, Style: Lager.

4.9% ABV

“Leave!  LEAVE!!!  Get the fuck outta here!  Yo, get the fuck out of here, motherfuckers!”

Guess who said the above:

A five-star restaurant’s maitre-d yelling at a bum for entering the fine dining establishment to panhandle?  A beleaguered female exploding at her ex-boyfriend who she has a restraining order on but who nevertheless keeps coming into her office?  Perhaps a furious shotgun wielding homeowner barking at a cat burglary he caught rifling through the family valuables?

Nope, not even close.  I’m talking about bouncers kicking people out of the bar at night’s end.

And I’m fucking sick of it.

I live in New York City so you got to drink really motherfucking late to get actually kicked out of a bar at closing time.  Something that I can recall happening to me less than a handful of times.  I’m sure Manhattan has “last call” laws but in a town full of scofflaws they certainly aren’t followed.  And the rare times they are heeded at least the bar’s employees have the decency to casually infer you should leave, to kindly back pat and “See ya’ later, bud” out of the bar.  At like 5:00 AM.

But this doesn’t happen in podunk towns.  Like Syracuse, where I was last weekend to see my beloved alma mater whip up on the most despicable university in America.  In a place like Syracuse or Kansas City or Tulsa here’s how things go:

First of all, you’re not drunk because you’ve only been in the bar for an hour or two and they, of course, don’t have high ABV beer and pour really watered down whiskeys.  At 1:15 or so, some bartender will shout out, “Last call coming!” before slowly filling those orders.  1:30 will mark the “official” last call.  At 1:40 the harsh overhead lights will come on, blinding you before your dilated eyes adjust enough to see that the girl you’re talking to is pockmarked worse than Edward James Olmos.  At 1:41 some cheesy closing time song like…uh, fucking “Closing Time” by that shitty one-hit wonder band will start playing, the drunken local rubes swaying and singing it.

Then, at 1:45 or so, a mere fifteen minutes after you got your last call cocktail, some pituitary case bouncer will shove you in the back, herding you to the door like cattle while rudely shouting the lines that opened this post.

Let me get this straight.  My friends and I just spent several hundred dollars on drinks at your place and you treat us like this?  We chose your crummy bar over all others in town and you treat us like this?!  Even in a small town like Syracuse we didn’t have to choose your bar, it offers nothing sui generis, but we still chose it.  It has the same subpar tap selections, the same shitty iPod mixes, surly bartenders, mediocre women and annoying men, overpriced drinks, filthy bathrooms.  I’m fine with that all, it’s a party of the nightlife lifestyle.  But treat me with some fucking respect around the time the Semisonic starts playing.  (In fact, I would say playing Semisonic is enough of a push to get me out the door.  Good lord that song sucks.)

Can you imagine another industry where you’d be treated this poorly?

You’ve just enjoyed a nice meal with some friends and just as you put the last bite of dessert in your mouth, several waiters lift you from your chairs and start strong-arming you to the door.  “Finish up the chocolate mousse and get the fuck out of my restaurant!”

You’ve just enjoyed a nice movie when seconds before the credits roll the lights go up and the ushers sprint into the dark room.  “Get the fuck out of this theater you shitheads!”

You’ve just enjoyed a nice, sensual massage and are still quivering when the masseuse upturns the table, spilling you onto the floor, and “Get the fuck out of my illegal massage parlour, you asshole!!!!!!”

Look, I know all the excuses, most of which are quite phony.  Shit like your bar will get fined if you don’t have everyone out of it and the place locked up by 1:59:59 EST.  Like you got to get the place cleaned and closed post-haste.  You just want to get home to your girlfriend.  Fine, I sympathize with you.  I’m sure bouncing can be a shitty job some nights.  But many jobs, both blue and white collar, suck.  And if you don’t like dealing with people, especially drunk people, maybe you shouldn’t work in the service industry.

Why would I ever want to go to your bar again if you are going to treat me like a huge fucking asshole come closing time?  The answer is, I wouldn’t.  And I won’t.

So go fuck yourselves Mulrooney’s (”Mully’s”) on West Fayette Street*.  You’re lucky I didn’t throw my fucking pint glass through your bar mirror like I was playing a carnival game to win a giant plush toy for my favorite steady girl.

I think, from now on, I need to restrict my drinking to New York City.  Where we may all be fucking assholes, but at least us assholes treat people with respect.

Likewise, why do I continue to let the Jacob Leinenkugel Co. rape my taste buds?  You might first recall their Sunset Wheat which nearly gave me fluoride poisoning. Then there was their Honey Weisse that caused a sleepless week as I waited for my STD test to come back**. Oh, and who can forget their Summer Shandy which tastes like an Arnold Palmer that’s been used as a colostomy bag.  Finally, there was their Craptoberfest which tasted like that of a public swimming pool on a hot, late-August day.

You’re probably thinking, these beers surely aren’t that bad, you’re just being a funny man.  I can assure you I am not.  If I was truly overstating Leinenkugel’s awfulness, accusing them of poisoning me and giving me venereal disease, do you not think Jacob would sue me for libel?  Or slander?!***  But they never have, which is ipso facto proof that they know the horrificness of their own product.  (Though it doesn’t prevent a Minnesota message board from getting all up in a tizzy about the Vice Blogger.)

Since we all know I’m such a self sadomasochist that I make the Marquis de Sade seem like Mother Teresa, I have an odd desire to keep trying all the Leinenkugels I have yet to.  Luckily, my friend Derek keeps finding ones for me.  Like their Red Lager which I expected to be utterly horrific.  So much so that I drank it in the bathroom.****  I especially expected it to be garbage being that I tippled it, perhaps unfairly, after having just shared three asskicking stouts which I scored an A+, an A+, and an A-.

Sadly friends, I am disappointed to report that this beer ain’t bad.  In fact, it’s a fairly competent macro beer, better than most lagers available.  I can even say I kinda enjoyed it, drinking the whole thing down fairly easily and even kinda wanting another.

Oh well, there will be more Leinenkugels in my future that will surely lead to my ultimate demise.

C+

*Two further things, Mully’s:

1.  Your website is comically terrible.

2.  And, you, the grey-haired guy that owns the bar, girls are only hitting on you–correction, letting you creepily flirt with them and touch their backs–because you were comping them all night.  Did you happen to notice at the end of the night that none of those women even kissed you on the cheek goodbye?

**Fun fact: apparently you can’t get chlamydia–or gonorrhea! or any other STDs!!–from a beer, no matter how heinous it tastes. They didn’t teach me that in public school sex ed, we only looked at a carousel of slides of inflamed genitalia. And I don’t mean the genitalia was inflamed as in hopping mad at someone or something. The genitalia was, like, inflamed as in burning and shit.

***Can never recall which one is for the written word as opposed to speaking.  I went to public school, son.

****I’ve been doing far too much beer tasting in bathrooms lately.  I have a problem.

31 Responses to “Leinenkugel’s Red Lager”

  1. amm002 | 02/18/09

    Fantastic point on how other businesses treat their patrons. And you just brought me back to every weekend (and most weekday) nights I spent in college unsuccessfully hitting on girls at our shitty little campus bar at 1:58 a.m. (”just 5 more minutes Mr. Bouncer”).

  2. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    How do people have regrettable one-night stands in other cities?! Everyone knows 2:00 to 3:00 AM is the prime bad decision hour!

  3. Dirtyspeed | 02/18/09

    I had this warm on a plane. Worst 5 bucks I ever spent, even worse than the 5 bucks I spent to have someone pull on my lips for an hour.

  4. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    What freaking airlines serves Leinenkugel?! How bizarre.

  5. Stuart Hess | 02/18/09

    Don’t expect better treatment if you come in for a Coolatta and a box of Munchkins, I’ll tell you to get the fuck out as soon as you walk in. I bet your a shitty tipper too. I don’t know what kind of business wants to see you walking in anyway. You just try to make them look stupid after you leave. Your the one that ends up looking stupid to most people, other than your drunken followers on here.

  6. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    Stu, finally had a DD waffle sandwich this past weekend. It was disgusting and a blatant rip-off of McDonald’s far superior McGriddle. I bet you were involved in the sandwich’s creation, moron.

  7. Stu Robinson | 02/18/09

    As someone who worked for many years as a bouncer, unfortunately it often becomes necessary, and therefore commonplace, to be less than polite at the end of the night. Many’s the time I’ve tried walking around, somewhat politely asking people to finish up and head out, only to be either a)completely ignored, or b)told “just another minute”(after they’ve already had numerous minutes). This is not meant as an excuse for rude behaviour, but perhaps as an explanation. My two cents as both an ex-bouncer and occasional bouncee.

  8. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    Stu, I agree with you, there is a fine line, a very fine line, and it can be hard to tell whose in the wrong and who is being rude. I guess there just needs to be a better way.

    But I think we can all agree that 2:00 AM last calls suck.

  9. Dirtyspeed | 02/18/09

    Dude, have I got a story for you. I will keep it short for now. I’ll just say: new Leinenkugel’s beer, one bar only, all the corporate staff on hand, and me drinking a Bell’s Two Hearted, and their question: “So what do you think?”

  10. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    Hilarious.

    Dirty, I expect you to post this on the Minnesota Wild board. I like when those guys call me a tool.

  11. Dirtyspeed | 02/18/09

    Nothing wrong with being a tool, as long as you are a miter saw. Those things rock.

  12. Dirtyspeed | 02/18/09

    Oh, and the beer sucked rocks. Just…. bad.

  13. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/18/09

    The new Leinie release, Dirty?

    I should start videoing my reactions to drink them.

  14. Joe aka Old Guy from Mullys | 02/18/09

    Dont be jealous that you were there with your cock in your hand as 4 young college aged broads were hanging with me.

    BTW

    Our mission at Mully’s is to provide a safe, clean environment where adults can gather to talk, party, and enjoy themselves. We take pride in our professional staff, excellent service and especially our icy cold beers and cocktails, and we’ve been doing it longer than anyone else in the Square (which is only 1991, LOL).

    And why is the webcam not working? Did you break it you little jew boy?

  15. KingOttoIII | 02/18/09

    You are lucky that you didnt throw the glass and break the mirror. Eventhough it was an Irish bar it was run by a bunch of Italians, hence the tude when you left. It wouldnt be the cops that you would have to worry about.

  16. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/19/09

    Joe, you worthless anti-Semitic piece of shit, I may buy Mully’s and turn it into a gay bar just to spite you (LOL).

  17. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/19/09

    KOIII, I get more respect in the Italian community than Hyman Roth. I’m not concerned.

  18. Restaurant Guide | 02/19/09

    Your blog having good information related to NYC also good things in here so be be carefully select keywords for your website and also for your posted information because it’s helps you to improve your website rank so also target international keyword for your domain and also domestic keywords like Chicago Restaurants and Chicago Restaurant

  19. Derek | 02/19/09

    Mully’s isn’t a gay bar?

  20. BDH | 02/19/09

    Don’t rip on Mully’s site. They got the whole countdown to St. Patrick’s Day thing figured out. I’ll be checking it daily.

    I think it was Faegan’s where either Jeff or Kevin was served a beer at 1:45, then told to leave because they were closing at 1:50am. Whoever it was didn’t throw their pint through a mirror, but I did have to stand between them and the bouncer after he told the guy to fuck off (that one’s for you Restaurant Guide).

  21. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/19/09

    They’ve been around since 1991! Nineteen. Ninety. ONE! Do you know how long ago that was? Saddam Hussein was still ruling a country!

    I believe it. Faegen’s was always quite rude at closing time. I believe they also literally played “Closing Time.” Of course, that was 2001 so that was kinda acceptable.

  22. Joe aka Old Guy from Mullys | 02/19/09

    You would want a gay bar, that is the only way you would get laid. And it would double your pathetic wardrobe. Maybe if you weren’t a sloppy mess the ladies would talk to you. If you would like I will send you a Mully’s shirt, that will clean you up some. And I wish you would have thrown a glass in my bar. Man what I would have done to you.

    And all your friends here are losers too. They have to be if they are friends with you. Who the hell calls themself a King? The restaurant guy can’t even speak English. Hey buddy go back to your country. Contrarily the only two guys here who arent idiots are named Stu. I am sure Mr Robinson would have thrown your ass out. And Mr Hess is my hero and is welcome in my bar anytime.

    Hey Stewie I bet he is a bad tipper too. That’s why he was told to get the F outta here. Then again this douche likely is one of those guys who never buys a round for his friends, which means he never had to tip anyway.

  23. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/19/09

    Joe, again thanks for your post. Did you take a “Internet for Old People” class at OCC night school? I’m surprised you even know how to use the web.

    I would gladly accept a Mully’s t-shirt. I haven’t gone shopping since I was like 19, so I don’t own much clothes. E-mail me and I’ll send you my PO Box.

    And I would buy a round (but just A round) if your piece of shit bar accepted plastic. Seriously, Joe, get with the fucking times. Who carries a stack of dirty paper in their pocket? Also, your beer selection sucks.

  24. Joe aka Old Guy from Mullys | 02/20/09

    Yo Aaron! I just woke up with two young broads next to me. Jealous?

    We are a cash only business, capisce? There was an ATM in the front, ya cheap bastard.

    By the way tune in tonight to the web cam. I thought your ugly jew mug broke it but it is fixed now. You arfe lucky you Jesus killer. I will make sure to give you the finger. And if you are lucky I will have some hot young piece of ass flash the camera. I hope that won’t be too much for you to handle as you are probably like that guy who loves lamps and is a virgin in that movie. I forget the name of it but you know what I am talking about. The only time you have seen a titie is at a strip club. Loser!

    And I bet you are the type of guy who cock blocks all his friends because you are jealous there are no girls talking to you. You hang around awkwardly and stare as they talk. You are like the fat girl in your group of friends who wants to go home early and ruins any chance of a hook up by others. You are not happy unless everyone else is miserable just like you. Am I right?

  25. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/20/09

    Joe, you should have your own blog. You are hysterical. Capisce?

  26. Theboardrider | 02/20/09

    Love it Aaron! Great videos too! You been working out?

  27. Aaron Goldfarb | 02/20/09

    Why yes, Matt, yes I have! Thanks for noticing.

  28. Jackson | 03/4/09

    I don’t think that would be a “self sado-masochist”. It would just be a masochist. Right?

    And if you are into MN beers, have you tried the Summit line? Or the August Schell line? Check ‘em out.

  29. Aaron Goldfarb | 03/4/09

    Jackson:

    Oddly enough, two of my best beer buddies are MN guys so I’ve had essentially the entire Surly line, as well as several Summit and Schell beers. With more to follow (hopefully) soon.

    Check my brewer links on the right hand column for those reviews.

    I do love Minnesota beer, I can’t deny it!

  30. TRACER | 05/18/09

    If you don’t like Leinie’s … how about you just stop drinking it? It is clear that you don’t know good beer.

  31. Aaron Goldfarb | 05/18/09

    @Tracer:

    I guess I like to punish myself.

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