15.92% ABV bottled (Nov. 2008 BATCH 4)
A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Homeless People in America from Drinking Low ABV Shit Beer, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public
If I was the kind of guy that was into charities, the one I would found would be called Craft Beer for Bums (CBB). Oh how it upsets me so when I’m walking through my tony Manhattan neighborhood and see a hobo trying to keep himself warm with a pathetic forty of Olde English. How saddened I am upon encountering a wino trying to drink his troubles away while forgetting that he smells like the Kansas City stockyards as he slugs some fortified wine. How many tears have trickled down my cherubic cheeks watching a transient try to numb his pain and pass out for the evening on some rotgut potato vodka.
No, I will not stand for it any longer, from now on I want the homeless of the world drinking craft beer. It just makes sense! Man needs a certain amount of pleasure in his life. You’re getting a lot of sex then you don’t need much else. Not getting any intercourse and all of the sudden you’re gorging on food. It creates a vicious cycle no question. Which came first: the girl was fat or she wasn’t getting laid?
The homeless are the same way. Stinking like urine, members of the fairer sex are obviously not talking to them and thus the closest they get to coitus is that pocket pussy they stole from Babes in Toyland. Likewise, little culinary pleasure can surely be derived from day old Dunkin Donuts munchkins. Thus, the homeless have no choice but to get their daily minimum of pleasure from alcohol. And I am the satyr that will orchestrate things.
What kind of life is it for these gentleman to be laying in a gutter drinking 4.2% Bud Light tallboys?! It’s not a life, not at all. They need stuff with taste and flavor and enough alcohol per volume to put them on their motherfucking asses.
A splendid beer to start a craft beer neophyte homeless man with might be Avery’s Mephistopheles’ Stout. For years I’ve considered Avery as a good but nothing special brewery. I’m not sure why that is, because I had no reason to feel that way, no proof whatsoever. And, considering the last few beers I’ve had from Avery have been their splendid Collaboration with Russian River, their top-of-the-line DIPA, and now this stout masterpiece, I must admit my visceral regard toward them was unequivocally wrong. Mephistopheles is simply one of the best stouts I have ever had. I tippled it in the same sitting that I had the A+ Dark Horizon 2.0 and Dogfish Head’s Worldwide Stout and it outshone them both. Probably the regular release beer I’ve found to be the closest in deliciousness to Surly’s phenomenal Darkness. A very sweet stout, but not cloying in the least. Lacks that overpowering dark chocolate/roasted coffee flavor most big boy stouts have which makes it quite unique. Its prominent tastes are molasses, dark cherries, sweeter chocolate, and boozy, stinging, delicious rummy alcohol. Even though it ain’t cheap–we’re talking a couple of sawbacks for just 12 ounces–you absolutely have to try it.
A single bottle of this and a malnourished, scurvy-riddled bum would be in lala land, having the most pleasent of dreams. And the benefits of well-drunk homeless people would be immense to us beer geeks. No longer would one have to waste a few minutes on Beer Advocate or RateBeer researching upcoming brew purchases. Naw, you could just walk down you block and “Hey, Smitty, had any good saisons lately?” The streets would be literally lined with beer recommendations.
You might think me callous, “Bums can’t be getting shit-faced on expensive, super alcoholic beer! Have a heart!”
But ask yourself this: who is callous? Me, who wants to give the dregs of society a little pleasure in their lives, or the sanctimonous leftist city that won’t even sell cheap booze in the parts of town where their homeless congregate? Move to New York, homeless folks, CBB will get you well snockered.
If you agree with my cause, please PAYPAL me your donations.*
*Please don’t. I don’t want to go to jail for running a false charity. But feel free to send me some money or beer to satiate mine own dipsomania.