Flat Earth Winter Warlock

March 17, 2009 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Flat Earth, Country: America, Grade: B plus, Style: Barley wine.

9% ABV from a bomber

I’m not sure if this will be a popular sentiment, but I fucking hate St. Patrick’s Day.  More specifically, I hate the buffoonery surrounding the faux-holiday.  Most specifically, I hate the buffoonery surrounding the faux-holiday celebrations in Manhattan.

As early as daybreak, college dropouts from all over the east coast deluge Penn Station, Grand Central Terminal, and the Staten Island Ferry before slowly woohooing their way toward midtown and Fifth Avenue, clad in their dumbass green t-shirts adorned with dopey sayings (“Erin Go Braless”), ludicrous floppy hats and preposterous glittery shades bought from a street vendor or the Spencer’s Gift at their local shitty mall, and all sorts of other unnecessary accouterments from wristbands to forearmbands to headbands to neckbands.  Perhaps even a special “drinking” glove.  All green, natch.  Many a cliched tattoo will be seen residing on these gents’ and ladies’ fakely tanned anatomies.  Very few non-accented sentences will be heard spoken.

My fellow New Yorkers aren’t a happy bunch on weekday mornings, clad in uncomfortable “work” clothing, crammed into mass transit, waiting in long lines for a coffee and a bagel, and nothing is more grating than some spiky haired dolt with a minimal grasp of the English language loading up on a Diet Red Bull mixed with an illicit hotel-sized bottle of Absolut getting in their way as they try to make it to their jobs.

Sitting in their offices, no matter how high of a skyscrapered floor, the bag pipes and plastic horns and drunkener woohooing will have made work today a near impossibility.  Looking out the window and seeing the top arc of some tramp’s areolae oozing out of her tank-top (“Irish You Would Buy Me a Beer”) will not make up for such a productiveless day.  Lunch will be ordered in so as to keep further interaction with these future reality show contestants minimal.

By now many of my friends are heading home, the end to a shitty day, trekking though the vomit of morons, stepping over the prone bodies of eighteen-year-olds that have never drank more than a few Solo cups of keg beer before today, gasping at the wasted frat boy from some community college digitally stimulating the shitfaced sorority girl from some cosmetology school right out in the open on a Hell’s Kitchen stoop.  The regular and usually sedate after-work bars now filled with the few retards whose mothers didn’t give them a curfew to get back home in time for supper.  The imbeciles perhaps pressing their luck to catch a later train back to Secaucus while they make one last ditched effort to score with the Rutgers University (major undeclared) chick they first met in some alley around noon as she tried to empty her bladder into a Gatorade bottle (32 oz).  Doing shots of Jaeger and slugging cheap macro swill doused with a one-cent drop of green food coloring which causes the chemical reaction of making the pint shoot up to $9 per.  At least the city’s tavern workers are making some nice money for a Tuesday.  I pity them nonetheless.

This day has obviously been a wash for any one with gray matter between their ears and a lack of venereal disease.  That’s life though when your home city is essentially America’s theme park.

Amazingly, I’ve had several people say to me today, “I’d assume you’d like St. Patty’s Day, Aaron.”  Do you really think that little of me?  Yes, I like booze, revelry, and women of questionable morals acting questionable, but that can be found any day of the week here in the greatest city in the world.  (I’d wager those things could be found in your cities as well.)

And as much as I like those things, I hate idiocy, loud obnoxiousness, unskilled imbibing, punny t-shirts and novelty clothing, and especially scheduled fun.  I detest St. Patty’s day just like I detest the scheduled “fun” of New Year’s Eve, Fat Tuesday, Saturday nights, and bachelor parties.

Don’t get me wrong, don’t think me a grumpy old curmudgeon, for I’m not above celebrating on those days, but they are just other days to me.  Why does one need an event to get drunk, have fun, try to see women’s bare breasts?  Do you have that little control over your boring life that you can only party on those mandated days?  I know you do, and that’s what makes you an amateur, and that’s what makes those days and nights into amateur days and nights.

As for me, I wouldn’t hit 5th Avenue or enter a Manhattan bar today if you paid me.  I’d rather sit at home relaxing and drinking a nice beer by myself such as Flat Earth’s Winter Warlock English barleywine.  Dirtyspeed over at Friday Night Beer hooked me up with the semi-rare local Minnesota brew I’d been curious to try for awhile as it is my favorite beer style.  Poured much lighter than expected though the bottle does label it a “golden” barleywine which I suppose explains that.  I typically expect good barleywines to be a rich amber, a glowing ruby color, so I was a little reluctant.  Nevertheless, Winter Warlock was solid.  A nice taste of pale malts and candi sugar with quite a bit of yeastiness.  Very little hops come through though.  The major debit is the beer’s thinness and lack of bite despite the ABV.  Pretty good effort though.

Soon, this day will be over and trains, cabs, and street sweepers will eject the St. Patty’s Day nincompoops from our fair city for another 364 more days.  And the buffoons will wake up tomorrow, green face paint embedded onto their pillow, woohoo just loud enough to not rattle their hangovers, and spend the rest of the year talking about “The most sick day evah, yo,” praying they can repeat it again next year and continue to annoy us all.

You know what I really like, going out on the day after these amateur drinking holidays.  Yeah.  That’s when the real pros show up.  Sunday night,  January 2nd, Fat Wednesday, and St. Patty’s day plus one.  So see youse tomorrow.  Woohoo!


Epilogue:  This is nothing against the actual holiday, which I quite frankly don’t even know what its purpose is.  But I’m sure there is one, or was one before it got bastardized by goofy trite white people.  I’ll go read about it on Wikipedia.

26 Responses to “Flat Earth Winter Warlock”

  1. Jay says:

    I think this is probably your best post ever, and that’s saying something. I couldn’t agree more with these amateur-hour holidays. Hear hear for March 18th, January 2nd, November 1st and Sunday nights every week.

  2. Thanks for the nice compliment, Jay. I’ve been sick as a dog today and I wrote this in a furious Benadryled-out half-hour of madness. Maybe I should do that more often.

  3. Dirtyspeed says:

    There are two night a year in where I do not go out. New Years Eve and St. Patrick’s Day. People are already stupid as they are the last thing I want to deal with is them getting even stupider.

  4. Dirtyspeed says:

    Oh. And This barleywine’s recipe is supposedly taken from the original Bass recipe way back when.

  5. The original Bass was a barleywine? Fascinating. That must have been in the 1700s though, huh?

  6. Dirtyspeed says:

    No, Bass just made one. Bass No. 1, the first barley wine marketed I guess.

  7. Alex says:

    Yup I actually decided about three years ago to officially hate the Irish. It really chaps my hide that they are the “cool” white ethnicity while the rest of us muts just use St Pats as an excuse to drink. Ever notice how almost everyone who can pull it off claims some sort of Irishness? As if they cared about their actual heritage. This attitude did not go over well with my “Irish” friends from back east so I have since backed down. But still, you don’t see me touting my English/French/German/Canadian heritage do you? I would say the only ethnicity more annoying than Irish is Native American.

  8. Cinco de Mayo’s another BS drinking holiday I forgot about.

    It’s only a matter of time before Purim–the Jewish holiday of getting drunk–becomes yet another excuse for losers to get wasted.


    Maybe The Vice Blog well sponsor Purim this year.

  9. BDH says:

    “Irish You Would Buy Me A Beer”. That’s GREAT.

    You’d love living in Boston. St. Pat’s is also Evacuation Day – – the day the British supposedly left Boston. It’s a holiday for state workers and only adds to the masses crammed in our many Irish bars.

    My office is above one of said bars, and this morning I was welcomed by a nice pile of 12 hour old puke just to the side of our front steps.

  10. I’ve never been to Boston’s but just spent a few minute imagining whether it would be more annoying that New York’s. Find findings are inconclusive. Any one been to BOTH that can offer comment?

  11. Stanton says:

    Your anti- St. paddy’s day rant may have something to do with being out all last week. Perhaps this year’s holiday was just poorly timed. I had a great time. Saw the funniest thing ever at the Armory down on Lexington and 25th street. There is a bar inside and many tourists flock to it since the armory is kinda a museum of sorts. However, when entering the bar in the back of the armory custom is to take your hate off if you are wearing one. If you are caught with a hat on some drunken army sergeant or fireman will yank the hat off and demand you ring this bell in the bar, then everyone boos. So this tourist walks in, dead sober with wifey and child in tow, and is wearing a irish style cap. He immediately is assaulted by a drunk burly sergeant who rips off his hat and displaces a horribly positioned tupee! I mean it was hanging off the side of his head! The tourist is livid, and starts screaming at the sergeant and the whole bar begins to take notice. The tourist is ranting on about respect and not touching someone elses property. everyone is laughing at this guy in front of his five year old and wife. Then a priest, I kid you not, wearing the frock and all tries to get between the two and break it up but is having no luck. I thought fists were about to fly, but the tourist just stormed off with his fam in tow. Hilarious.

  12. Dave says:

    Love the post and agree with you 100 percent. My friend takes this holiday to far. He’s 100 percent Irish and thinks he has to get trashed every St. Patty’s Day. I just shake my head and say have fun.

  13. Any thoughts as to what the best Irish beer is? I told someone yesterday that I don’t particularly love Guiness–just think it’s decent, solid–and he retorted back, “Well what Irish beer is better?” I had no answer. Does any one else?

  14. Foy says:

    I’d have to say O’hara’s celtic stout. Assuming it’s still made in Ireland. My uncle drinks it, and had it while visiting in scotland. Really smooth and incredibly drinkable, which would come in handy on March 18th..

    I celebrated with a few friends and a sixtel of some troegenator.

  15. That O’hara’s sounds pretty good, I’ll look into it. Thanks for the recommendation.

  16. James Martin says:

    You’re probably the biggest slap dick I’ve ever read about…

    I read 2 of your blogs and think you might be the biggest waste of life I’ve ever heard of.

    How much time do you have on your hands to write this shit all the time??? Are you sure your not GAY??? something to think about

    be careful ripping on ppl — def. not the most attractive dude around! FACE IT HOLMES

  17. The word “splap dick” always makes me laugh. Thanks, James!

    I don’t think I’m gay but I guess you never know unless you try it. Are you asking me on a date, James? Oh wait, guess, not, you don’t think I’m one of those attractive “ppl.”

    Slap dick. Ha.

  18. Taco Town Dave says:

    The funniest part is the fact he said he reads two blogs you author. Sounds like a man crush, kind of like when you used to pull the hair on the play ground of the girl you like in second grade.

  19. I pray Mr. James Martin never pulls my hair.

  20. James Martin says:

    As a matter of fact, I felt the need to read a second blog as I couldn’t imagine someone was that pathetic with life. I’m truly sorry you find the need to sit behind a computer all day/night.

    Not a dream of mine. However, to each their own!

    Good luck from here on out! I’m sure your writing career will need it.

  21. James, thank you for your kind comments and well wishes. Support from my fans means the world to me and helps me get up every single morning!

    Good luck to you too!

  22. Meredith says:

    You are my soulmate. LOVE THIS BLOG.


    Fellow hater of St.Patrick’s Day :)

  23. Brian says:

    Seriously, I think you would have done yourself alot of good to call in sick today to party with all of us idiot morons with no life. Maybe you could have gotten lucky with one of those areola exposing tramps. then maybe you would be less of a total stress case tomorrow. You were prpobably rthe kid at school that always pouted cuz no one wanted to play with you, intstead of joining in. they do make medications to fix that ya know!

    So what im saying is “Lighten up”. you obviously found plenty of time at work today to blog. so why not invest that energy into having a glass of green beer and some shut the fuck up.

  24. Brian,

    I don’t have to call in sick. Ever. My job is “famous novelist,” I can take off whenever I want. And I did today. Like you, I’ve spent the whole day drinking (and watching the NCAAs), but unlike you, I haven’t spent it surrounded by morons.

    Whatever the case, I still think you’d like my book:


  25. Brian says:

    I’ll check it out, you definitly have a talent with words.

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