B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher

May 6, 2009 by Aaron Goldfarb | Filed under Brewer: Hoppin' Frog, Country: America, Grade: A regular, Style: Stout.

9.4% ABV from a bomber

The Theater of the Mundane

Disclaimer:  The following post outright mocks people I may very well know.  Names have been kinda sorta changed to protect the lame.  It is the full opinion of the Vice Blogger.  Caveat friendster.

On Tuesday, Allie washed, dried, and folded three loads of laundry (YAY!); Linda made some Pillsbury biscuits in the oven (mmmmm…); Kathleen’s apartment inexplicably smelled like toast (LOL); and Casey took little Krista for a walk in the park :) .

Meanwhile, Aaron not only wondered why he had a Facebook and Twitter account, but why he continued to read status updates near hourly and, moreso, how he ended up with such boring fucking people in his life.

I suppose any communications tool has become fully mainstream once it is used for predominantly mundane purposes.  Where once man would only employ Alexander Graham Bell’s watershed invention to send pertinent audible information quickly over unfathomable distances, soon enough little teenyboppers were spending all night on the horn discussing boys.  Where once cell phones were used only for post-haste assistance in catastrophic emergencies, quickly they became a device for efficiently getting drunk chicks to meet up with you at a bar.  Emails went from high speed disseminators of information to simply an easier way for my mother to alert all eleven of her contacts to be very wary of the dangerous flatulence005 computer worm.

And now social networking.  Facebook was once a great gadget for doing legitimate stuff like spying on girls you drunkenly met the night before to assure yourself that they were actually attractive.  Now it has become a repository for stay-at-home moms to post mundane pictures from even the most meager events in their childs’ lives (“Krista’s First Arbor Day!”) and uninteresting “real-time” status updates every time their little rugrat does so much as rip a pea-sized fart.  And where ever-so-briefly Twitter was a brilliant bazaar for a rapid micro-exchange of ideas and content, now it has become nothing more than digital diarrhea for some of the most mundane people on planet #Earth.

Based on the fact that all these mundane status updates gets tons of thumbs-up “likes” from equally mundane people, all these mundane Facebook photo albums get countless “How cute!” comments, and all these mundane tweets are followed by a bevy of @mundane_person so kewl!!! replies, I am certain this theater of the mundane is only gonna get worse.

I suppose I’m not completely exonerated myself.  I’ve certainly been known to post an inane thing or two while lit up.  (Hey, if everyone else gets to be really fucking boring, why can’t I?)  But, at least I try to be interesting the majority of the time, giving you a microblogging bouillabaisse that roughly breaks down like this:

40% — Interesting links I thought should be passed on

10% — Hopefully humorous and pointed musings

5% — Info on what bars I’m drinking at if perchance I have a hot female fan that wants to stalk me*

4% — TwitPics of ugly New Yorkers

1% — Drunken chatter

40% — Reviews and thoughts on a variety of topics spanning the spectrum from food to sports to pop culture to beer.

Such as a review of B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher which was too great to waste on a micro-post.  I’d always wanted to try this Ohio brew but to my knowledge, NYC doesn’t not get any Hoppin’ Frog stuff.  Odd then that I should be just 6.1 miles away in Hoboken, NJ this past weekend where I found a glorious beer store (Sparrow, uptown location) that was stocked with this stuff as well as beer from countless other breweries us Empire Staters don’t get.  State-by-state beer distribution is so fucking odd.  I found B.O.R.I.S. silky smooth and amazingly flavorful.  Dark fruits, a surprising little hoppiness, and a nice sweetness reminded me of a poor man’s Surly Darkness. Maybe a middle-class man’s Darkness.  Even on a hot Saturday afternoon it was not too thick or potent, and its amazing drinkability made it a quite scary way to kick off a day which would eventually see about a dozen mint juleps and countless beers consumed over the next twelve hours.

Far be it for me to be the arbiter of what is interesting (in 140 words or less!), but people, come on, before using Facebook or Twitter, would it be that hard to ask yourselves these few things before you hit “post”?

A.  Will my friends/followers be entertained by this?

B.  Will they learn something by this?

C.  Will they find this truly interesting?

D.  Were I around these people in person would I actually say this thing aloud?

“Hey Stacy, how goes it?”

“Mowed lawn today, now craving lemonade.”

Ugh.

But I am just one man on the warpath and the mundanity continues, like sands through the hourglass, these are the boring updates of our lives:

Suzanne who can’t decide whether to take the dog out to pee; Meghan who wonders if she should gas up the tank 2nite or 2morrow; Alex who is eating Pringles and watching “Idol”; and Joseph who just vacuumed.

For God’s sakes people, either get more interesting lives or digitally fucking pretend that you already have them!

I look forward to countless unfriendings and unfollows.

Aaron says…BRING IT.

A

*Nope, still never happened.  Yet.


8 Responses to “B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher”

  1. anton says:

    It’s time to get back to rotary phones, always having 50 cents in your pocket and remember to check that ear receiver in that booth before putting it up to your noggin. I’ve already started formulating a plan to cold turkey my cell phone.

  2. Tom says:

    Tell your mom flatulence005.exe is NOT a virus it’s a needed windows file! It was a hoax do NOT delete!!!

  3. Oh no, her photo album full of pictures of the family dog is going to get deleted! Stop mom!

  4. Ray McKigney says:

    Hello there Aaron. I am an avid beer enthusiast and came across your blog. I must say that you do a splendid job. But I also noticed the picture above and must say that your hands are quite exquisite. I am in the modeling industry and have a friend that may be able to set you up with some hand modeling work if your are interested.

  5. Ray, those aren’t my hands pictured, they’re my butler Charles’s. I’ll pass along your note to him and see if he is interested.

  6. Ray McKigney says:

    Thank you Aaron. Also can you ask Charles if he minds wearing nail polish or fake nails. Most hand models tend to be male because they have larger hands. Womens hands are too small. So often we use soft looking male hands and adds nails. You can have him email me at ray.mckgney@fordmodels.com.

    Ciao

  7. DW says:

    I’m an avid VB reader, but I must say I have probably taken it a bit for granted. I will no longer, as I took the time earlier today to read the blog of a college friend that I once found humorous, witty, and intelligent. It was complete and total rubbish. Most of it was grammatically correct. That’s my only positive feedback. Keep up the good work!

    PS- If you ever think about making me pay to read this shit I’m out.

  8. DW, your kind comments are all the pay I need. Though, I’ve found hookers don’t consider kind comments to be legal tender.

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