I live in a very Jewish part of town known as: Manhattan. And, after an incident on Sunday, and if I can stereotype a bit, here I recollect on the ten most atypical things I have seen an NYC Orthodox Jew do.
10. There was the time an Orthodox Jew sat beside me at a real hellhole of a Village dive bar. It was nearing 4 AM and it seems he was depressed about something or other. After a few shots of well whiskey he began to doze off in his barstool. The bartenders at this joint, feisty tattooed dykes in tight wife beaters, had a habit of hosing down clientele with the water gun when they were so rude as to pass out. As this Jew lolled his head where he sat, a bartender raised her gun, tentative. It just seemed wrong, even to her. “Should I do it?” she asked me. “DO IT,” I smirked. She nailed him right in the face, jolting him awake as he snapped his head back and ejected his yarmulke from his skull and to the sawdust covered floor.
9. The Orthodox Jew in my Hell’s Kitchen hood who road a big Harley, he enjoyed idling in front of his Synagogue and annoyingly revving his engine. Never during Shabbos though.
8. The two Orthodox Jews I once saw nearly coming to fisticuffs over a parking spot. A shoving match ensued, sidelocks jiggled, Coke bottle eyeglasses rattled, Yiddish profanity was unleashed.
7. The time a gaggle of burly Rockefeller Center construction workers cat-called a shockingly attractive female Orthodox in a standard ankle-length Tzniut dress which did nothing to mask her junk in the tuchus. I swear I saw her self-satisfyingly grin. Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
6. The Orthodox Jewish day school youngsters I caught heckling a WASPy little boy in a Christmas tree sweater around the holidays. “You only get one day of presents! You only get one day of presents!”
5. The Orthodox Jew playing pick-up hoops–with all “brothas” no less–while in his full Orthodox regalia, black wool suit, big clunky shoes, flapping-in-the-wind fringes, and a Shtreimel hat. He was pretty good actually. A deadly jumper from the elbow.
4. The Orthodox Jewish couple I saw passionately kissing out the top of a quite decadent Bentley stretch limo as it sped along the Westside Highway. Her Tichel headscarf flapping in the wind. My Middle Eastern cab driver got off his Bluetooth long enough to turn around and angrily say to me, “Do you believe this fuckin’ city?”
3. The Orthodox Jew I saw sharing a joint in an alley with some “normal” people as Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” played on a cheap ghettoblaster (shtetlblaster?). The Jew kept Bogarting the joint I noticed, not passing it in a timely fashion.
2. And then there was the time I was walking down Broadway around 72nd street when I passed a smoking hot girl in her workout clothes, which were simply a sports bra and some borderline pornographic bicycle shorts, God bless her. Being no better than any other lascivious male, I of course turned to ogle her backside as she passed me, what the gays calling “cruising” I believe. And, of course, who do I see doing likewise, in identical synchronicity with me, but a Methuselah-esque bearded old Orthodox. I saw him and he saw me and he winked at me as if to say, “I’d like to give her a little Shvanz if you know what I’m saying?”
1. Then, just yesterday, as I was jogging through an intersection on the UWS, an Orthodox Jew in a Cadillac floated a stop sign and nearly took my legs out. Furious, he had the gall to vigorously honk me, then slowly follow alongside me down West End Avenue all the while unleashing an aggressive pumping middle finger at me for a good three blocks. I wonder if he was a Rabbi?
Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey
47% ABV (distilled: 9/3/06; batch # 38)
I’d heard the rumors of this small-batch whiskey from Colorado’s only microdistillery, but never did I think I would get to enjoy some (though it apparently isn’t as rare and as “Colorado-only” as I once had thought). So glad my friend DW hooked me up. Stranahan’s is a remarkably interesting and unique whiskey, truly one of a kind, it can’t be categorized or compared to other whiskeys you’ve had. So vanilla-y, even neat this charred-oak barreled spirit tastes like a bourbon-based cocktail. It’s hard to believe there aren’t other ingredients mixed with it. But it’s so goddamn hot and boozy you’ll quickly realize this is 100% malt. At around $55 a bottle I’d call it perhaps a hair overpriced, considering you can get world class stuff at that point, but it’s damn good and well worth having a glass or two if you ever see it on a menu at your better restaurants, bars, and/or brothels.
NOTE: Long in cahoots with Oskar Blues, the two have recently joined forces to produce a Ten FIDY aged in Stranahan barrels. I’m getting a boner just thinking about that.