On the Manliness of Drinking Beer
Come on pussy, meet me out at the bar. I don’t care if you got shit to do. I don’t care if you gotta get up early. It’s time to drink beers. The manliest thing a man can do! What’s so manly about drinking a shit ton of beers you ask? I can’t believe you don’t fuckin’ know. Uh, lemme count the ways:
1. Doing something as many times as you can possibly do something is manly. Giving it your all! Whether it’s fucking tons of bitches, eating fifteen cheeseburgers, or drinking two dozen beers until you fall off your bar stool, all that shit is M-A-N-L-Y.
2. Drinking a lot of beer gives you a beer belly. Nothing more manly than that. It also makes you burp, fart, shit, and sometimes even throw up. Manly! Except throwing up. That’s for bulimic little fairies. Unless you like do a ton of car bombs or somethin’, then it’s acceptable I guess.
3. Drinking a ton of beers makes you do stupid shit. Like get in bar fights and hit on ugly women and sometimes even get arrested. And all that shit is manly. You think a pussy would do that kinda stuff? No way! Only a drunk man’s man.
4. But it’s most manly to not get drunk. That’s the paradox. Hey, I can’t even believe I know what the word paradox means but that’s the paradox. That we’re going out to get drunk. To get wasted, shitfaced, cocked, hammered, blitzed and three sheets to the motherfuckin’ wind. And in order to save time and money you’d think we’d want to get drunk as fast as humanly possible. But that’s not manly. Getting drunk after a beer or two is more pussy than coming after two pumps inside a chick. What’s manly is to take hours and hours on end, and drink beer after beer after beer, before you’re even buzzed. Sometimes when I’m at the bar, I’m like on beer number ten and my friend is like, “Whoa, I’m getting buzzed” and I’m like, “Shit, I barely feel like I’ve drank anything. I could go drive my truck right now flawlessly.” And I think less of my friend from that point on. You know why? Cause I’m manly and manly men don’t get drunk until they’ve had like an entire case minimum.
Man I’m so manly, yeah, and you’re manly too I guess, but look at all these so-called men around us. Look at all these pussies drinking their faggot beers. I don’t mean “faggot” like homosexual, I mean faggot like GAY, bro. That guy over there with his beer with it’s fancy foreign name. If you don’t like American beer, like this Bud Light I’m drinking, then go back to wherever you’re from. What’s that you say? Your saison is an American beer? And my Bud Light is actually owned by In-Bev, a Belgium company owned by Brazilians?! So fucking what? It’s the image that matters. And Bud Light is manly and your frou-frou “saison” beer is womanly.
Look at that guy, he’s been nursing that dark beer for the last hour. Hey! Drink up you fucking pussy! My lil’ sister drinks faster than you, hahaha! What’s that you say? You’re drinking an 19% Russian imperial stout? Russian? Jesus H. Christ, again with the foreign beers. You say your beer is nearly five times as alcoholic as my Bud Light? Yeah, so what? I’m drinking tons more bottles than you and that’s all that matters. I’ve drank like three in the time it’s taken youse to drink just one of those sissy Communist beers. More beers drunk equals more manly drinker. And that’s me!
And, another thing. Beer isn’t supposed to be dark and warm like that beer you’re drinking. It’s supposed to be yellow and fizzy and foamy. And made out of shit like corn and rice, not oooh fancy organic local ingredients. And you ain’t supposed to drink it out of that balloon bulb of a glass. I’m embarrassed for you. Straight from the bottle! Like a man. Like a manly man that doesn’t want to dirty up a glass and hafta wash the dishes like some little housewife later in the night. (Uh, ‘scuse my language, ladies.)
Oh, and check out that queer over there. The one surrounded by the hot chicks. He must be the biggest pussy of them all. Drinking a fruit beer! Just perfect. A fruit drinking a fruit beer.
“Did I hear you making fun of me buddy? It may be a fruit beer but it’s the world’s strongest fruit beer coming in at a whopping 18% ABV. In fact, I’m not so sure I would even call this a fruit beer. With it’s boozy alcohol burn and tastes of dark fruits highlighted by an overabundance of Delaware raspberries, this tastes more like a quad than a fruit beer too me. Even at the high ABV it is quite drinkable and quite delicious. Fruit beer or whatever, I don’t know, it’s simply fucking delicious.”
A quad? A quad?! A quadruple what?! Like I’m s’posed to know what that shit is? Maybe you’re just a quadruple pussy. Now I’m gonna go slam my Bud Light and leave this pussy bar.