AVB unknown, bottled
I Need to Get Paid Now
I’m always looking for easy ways to make money and by “easy” I mean: getting paid to write shit. Thus, I was pretty excited when a company called I Need a Paper Now hired me to write term papers and essays for high school and college kids too dumb and lazy to do the work themselves. Though I personally never cheated in academics–too many dummies around me, who in the heck would I possibly cheat off of?!?–I have no compunction with facilitating other people’s cheating and in fact gladly signed off on a contract they made me peruse which had lines in it such as this:
You must first understand that what we do is the actual homework for college students. Some people think that what we do is dishonest and unethical and with that said, if you too feel this way then we thank you for your interest and we wish you all the best in your writing endeavours (sic). If you think like we think, everyone needs help at some point in time, then please feel free to move one.
Unfortunately, I Need a Paper Now did not make me sign any non-disclosure agreement about how shitty of company they are, and thus, I will now tell you (hoping you got to this entry after Googling something like, “i need paper now legit or moronic shysters???”)
Firstly, I probably should have been leery after seeing INAPN’s shoddily designed website. And let me tell you, what you’re seeing in the previous sentence’s link is a redesigned and better website. The website they had when I was hired a few months ago looked like some 1999 Geocities-hosted monstrosity.
I should have also probably been leery considering the guy (or gal?) who e-hired me never used a name of any kind, wrote e-mails like a 14-year-old texts, and frequently misspelled words.
Alas, the pay was good, the workload minimal, the illicitness enticing, and I had no easier way to earn a buck at the time. Then I got my first assignment, reprinted in full below:
The Final Exam shall be an applied research project. Learners are provided a case, current topic, or actual archived data to diagnose the T & D problem and present a training & development solution. Learners are to use new knowledge gained from this course to prepare a comprehensive training protocol spanning needa particular occupation of the student’s (learner’s) own choosing. Creativity and application of sound training and development principles shall be drawn upon to draft up to 5-single spaced pages professional training and development schematic. Should be done in APA format.
That’s all the info I was provided. I reread it about fifteen times. It made no sense to me and I have a very wide breadth of knowledge. I figured I’d be given assignments like, “What I did during my Martin Luther King Day vacation (500 words)” or “What was the one moment in your life that best exhibits your decision-making abilities? (5 pages, double-spaced)” or “Discuss why Daisy Buchanan was such a fickle cunt in ‘The Great Gatsby (7 pages).” But this assignment actually seemed kinda hard. Kinda above my knowledge and pay grade.
I wrote my nameless boss, asking for some further clarification on the assignment so that I might possibly be able to attempt it. He/she responded, again, reprinted in full below:
Good question! Here you are:
EMPLOYEE TRAINING AND DEVELOPMENT
THEORIES AND PROGRAM DESIGN
TRANSFER OF TRAINING
TRADITIONAL TRAINING METHODS
E-learning and Use of Technology in Training
I didn’t quite understand how that had further elucidated what my assignment actually was, but that didn’t matter any more for I was now able to attempt the assignment. You see, I now knew I was dealing with a fucking retard. It’s always exciting when you realize you’re dealing with a fucking retard in any aspect of life because that means that your work performance can not only be at the level of fucking retard, but should be at the level of fucking retard lest you confuse said fucking retard with too much erudition.
I recall having one of those flighty, dykey, pothead English professors back in college who never said anything that made a goddamn lick of sense. Who always cited Derrida and post-modernism and “the male gaze.” Who made us deconstruct shit and write poems about Duchamp and often taught the class outside on the quad as we all sat Indian-style (though she would probably have called it Aboriginal-Americans-Disgustingly-Slaughtered-By-Rich-White-Imperialists-style). I struggled in that English class for the first few weeks until one day I realized, “Oh my god, Professor Miller is a fucking retard!” and “Sitting Indian-style on dirty grass is far less comfortable than sitting in a chair!”
From that point on, any time I got a class assignment, I would simply pour myself a tall cocktail–I drank 7 and 7s at the time because I admired Martin Scorsese and was a poor hick–and then write my papers for her as quick as humanly possible. Upon finishing, I wouldn’t even go back to reread the assignment or correct any errors. I didn’t want to make the paper any more lucid than possible. Not surprisingly, I got all As employing that strategy and became such a superstar in the class that the prof often made me read my weekly essays aloud as my fellow classmates rolled their eyes.
Thus, to attempt my first assignment for the yutzes at I Need a Paper Now, I employed the same strategy. I excitedly poured myself a snifter of Central Waters Brewhouse Coffee Stout, generously sent to me by The Captain. A BA top 100 beer from Wisconsin, I never thought I’d get to try and am so glad I did. Chocolaty and coffee-infused but not too roasted. A little sweet and silky with kinda a thin mouth. This is a great beer, but probably not a complete world-beater. I’d still seek it out though, and I hope to try some more Central Waters stuff soon.
I drank and drank until that ridiculous assignment actually made sense to me and then I began writing. I was expected to produce a five page paper and about 45 minutes after I put my fingers to my keyboard I had produced such a paper, chock full of ambiguities and nonsensicals and stupid buzz words. It was probably the worst thing I had ever written in my life.
Of course, since I was dealing with a fucking retard, not an hour later I received an e-mail from my nameless boss, he simply writing:
I was pretty jacked at how easily I had made $95. You couldn’t quite say I’d made $95 for 45 minutes of work since I’d spent about 15-20 minutes fretting over the stupidity of the question and sending clarification e-mails to my fucking retard boss and had spent another 45 minutes drinking a coffee stout, but still, I’d made a lot of money for the most minor sitting-around-in-my-underwear, TV-still-on, pounding-beers of an effort. I thought I might like to start writing essays for lazy rich kids full time.
I was told future assignments–depending on length and research necessitated–would pay anywhere from $100 to $1000. Of course, I decided not to attempt paper #2 until I had been paid for paper #1 and, a month later, I still sit here having not been paid. I was supposed to be Paypal’ed the money after every assignment I completed, but that $95 never entered my account and the nameless guy or gal boss who had been pulling the strings on me quit responding to my e-mails. I’m not mad about the minimal effort I put in nor the minimal amount of money I was stiffed, and I’m downright amused at the thought of some poor schnook having turned in the piece of shit essay he paid for and I wrote, but that still doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like wasting another 45 minutes of my time drunkenly punching out another essay, which I again won’t go back to reread and edit, to tell you about a fucking retarded company called I Need a Paper Now, hoping that this very essay will now appear on the first page when any future lazy writers Google search them.
Now…what legitimate company or person wants to pay me some dolla dolla bills to write some shit for them?!