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Archive for the ‘Brewer: Heineken’ Category

Heineken Lager

June 3rd, 2008 by Aaron Goldfarb | 2 Comments | Filed in Brewer: Heineken, Country: Netherlands, Grade: D plus, Style: Lager

5% ABV

This beer doesn’t even merit being poured into a glass. It probably doesn’t even merit coming in a glass bottle. It should come in a cheap plastic one like they give you at Yankee Stadium so when you get drunk you don’t start hurling dangerous projectiles at Jason Giambi after yet another golden sombrero.

My ladyfriend’s pathetic ex-boyfriend-who-she-inexplicably-still-talks-to left several Heinekens in her fridge after they had a Sunday playdate. I had nothing else to drink that night so I went with this terrible dreck. Heineken used to be “my” beer back when I was a 19- to 21-year-old dumbass. I thought I was classier for drinking it, more sophisticated than my buddies who sipped on Milwaukee’s Best. Nope, I was just a fucking tool. Only tools drink this beer. And Puerto Ricans.

It smells terrible, it tastes even worse. It burns my throat going down. At least the label is pretty cool but I hate drinking from the short stubby bottles it comes in.

Make no mistake, sportsfans, despite the European pedigree, despite the fact that Heineken appears for $6 in the “import” section of beer lists, this is one heinous beer (coincidence that heinous and Heineken start the same?). As bad as any American macro. And, when the price is considered, it’s arguably worse.


(F - if other factors such as price and “Europeanness” are considered)