9.3% ABV from a 1 pint, 9.4 FL oz
You’d be surprised how often I get solicited. No, not solicited for paid sexual services. That rarely happens any more. Rather, solicited to talk about a product here on my blog. Usually one that’s vice related, no surprise. I’ll get an e-mail along the lines of something like…
Hello The Vice Blog!
I am a huge fan of The Vice Blog, keep up the great work! I am writing to you about a fun new campaign that would be of great interest to The Vice Blog readers: LAME BREWERY’s “Salute to Summer’s Web Jam,” an initiative launched by CORPORATE BEER USA in association with MyspaceTM. In honor of the program, celebrity chef Tyler Florence and celebrity celebrity Maria Menounos have created an exquisite new menu of fun summer treats and grilled dishes that pair perfectly with the delicious flavor of LAME BREWERY’s new line of 55 calorie products.
Below, we have included a press release and high-res images which would make for a GREAT The Vice Blog post your readers would surely love. Can you blog it?
Also, please URGE your The Vice Blog readers to become a Facebook fan of LAME BREWERY and “Salute to Summer Web Jam” at http://www.facebook.com/#!/lamebrewerysalutetosummerwebjam
Lazy, impersonal, artificial, and worst of all boring. Wait, no, even worst of all–insulting. Ten minutes ago I didn’t even know about your product, now I fucking hate it. And once I sober up I’m going to write something bashing you and your product. Do these companies think I’m so hard up for material and so entranced by transparent consumerism to be suckered into doing their online bidding for them?!
Can you imagine if I tried to treat these companies the way they treat me?
Dear Lame Rum Company!
We here at The Vice Blog know you like your alcohol, so how about naming a future rum bottling after us?! We’d suggest calling it Vicey Pure Cane, but feel free to come up with any idea you see fit. Below we’ve even offered a prospective recipe as well as some classy label art we designed.
Thanks for the time and don’t forget to tell all your friends about the Vice Blog as well as becoming a Fan of us on Facebook…
What morons at these beer and booze (and other) companies think these are effective means of getting their product name out there?
Yet I get several of these e-mails per week. Perhaps they’ve noticed my blogging has tapered off to a few measly posts per month and they think, “Man, I really used to love Aaron’s site but now he’s clearly starved for content. Let’s help the guy out!!!” But, no, I really doubt that’s it. They’re just lazy and feel superior to a meager blogger and assume surely he’d love to be an e-whore and help the big guys out.
Here’s my favorite recent, unsolicited e-mail. I’m still not sure whether it’s a sly joke or from the pen of a crazy person. Whatever the case, they got me to talk about them and offer a hyperlink so I suppose they won.
I just ran into your site and wanted to say hey! I’m Matt - I’m a college student and I run a little site on the side.I just wrote a post about necktie cakes for Father’s Day that I’d like to offer you to use (I know how hard it is to come up with blog posts). But if anything - it may give you inspiration for your own Father’s Day themed post
Here is the link to the post - http://www.tiepedia.com/tie-blog/49-crafts/155-tie-cake
My site is pretty new and would definitely benefit by getting linked to from you. Let me know if you have any questions or if you need anything!
At least tie guy is incredibly honest: “My site…would definitely benefit by getting linked to from you.”
Isn’t that exactly the same thing these other unsolicited e-mails want from me?
Our beer would definitely benefit by getting linked by you.
Our booze would definitely benefit by getting linked by you.
Our book would definitely benefit by getting linked by you.
Fair enough…but how the fuck do I benefit? How the fuck do my readers benefit? This shit has to be quid pro quo friend-o (ask your corporate lawyer way down the hall what that fancy Latin term means.) And it’s not just enough of a quid pro quo that you’re giving me a little corporate-speak content. Howzabout giving me something I might like? Like, oh, I don’t know?, some free fucking beer? Or booze? Then you might get me to write about you.
Admittedly, most of these terrible solicitations come from corporate giants. Faceless beer and booze makers, behemoth book publishing companies, and the like. Almost never from craft beer makers and artisanal booze crafters.
Here’s a hint, morons, actually develop relationships with your customers or would-be customers. It ain’t that hard. Take Nebraska Brewing Co. for example.
I’d heard about this new brewery from Nebraska who had just brought their beers to the New York market and who were getting some decent buzz. Nebraska? “Could there really be great beers coming out of Nebraska?!” thought this east coast elitist and former Tom Osbourne hater. I had to find out. I got a growler of their Hop God. Wrote a semi-positive review of it. Tweeted it. Paul Kavulak and Tyson Arp from NBC began following me. Began to respond to my tweets. When out of my own pocket I paid, what I assumed to be, a fairly steep $30 for Hop God Chardonnay I tweeted how awesome it was and Tyson responded with a “Toldja!” They even posted my review in their brewpub. One day a few weeks later, I got a DM from Paul. “What’s your address Aaron?” Soon, I received bottles of Black Betty and their Fathead barley wine. Later some Melange a Trois, a chardonney-barreled Belgian blonde. Now, a few months later, I consider myself friends of Nebraska Brewing Co. Friends of Paul and Tyson and even his wife Angela. I HAVE NEVER MET THESE PEOPLE. I am some 1200 miles from where they live. Fuck, I have never even spoken to them in more than 140 character bursts. Yet I consider them some sort of friends. And, you better believe, I love evangelizing to my “real” friends about the greatness of my Nebraska friends’ beer. They have won me over for sure. And it doesn’t hurt that they are making some DAMN fine product (which when it comes down to it is more important than the most savvy advertising/marketing/networking in the world.)
Black Betty[...] poured thinner than I’ve come to expect from the myriad of syrupy and sticky barreled aged imperial stouts that have deluged my life in the past few years. But that’s fine as the oak and bourbon come through even better and aren’t overpowered by any sort of hotness. The taste is ridiculously smooth, I kept checking the ABV to make sure it wasn’t 5% or something as it goes down like a lower ABV dry stout. But the taste is pure Russian Imperial. Boozy but not scorching, more creamy than dark chocolaty, like a mix of vanilla and fudge. Mild roastiness and espresso-like qualities. Nice carbonation and splendid mouthfeel. A really delicious effort I was sad to see go. Nebraska has quickly gone from off the radar to the hottest new brewery of the year, one I demand you check out if at all possible.
If the crux of this post looks to be like I’m giving a little lesson to bloggers on how to score some free shit, I’m not. My lesson is for these corporations that don’t understand social media and networking. The ones that claim to read The Vice Blog and enjoy The Vice Blog and think The Vice Blog and it’s readers would love to hear about X, Y, and Z (and who love to use form letters and e-mails as well.) Guys, don’t worry about me and my content. My content is just fine. I don’t need some 300 word “corporate speak” press release to get my post totals up. If I like your fucking product, if I LOVE your fucking product, I’ll have no problem cranking out a 1500 word love song to it like I just did here. Now beat that.
*I think we have a new longest beer title record, breaking Nebraska’s previous effort Hop God Reserve Series Aged in French Oak Chardonnay Barrels.