4.1% ABV

The same friends that just returned from England and introduced me to Strongbow also lugged back a bottle of this for sampling. They had popped into a Whole Foods while in London and the chap working in the beer section had told them that this was his favorite beer*. Thus they bought a bottle and threw it in their suitcase, smuggling this contraband all the way back to “The States.” I love when foreigners refer to America as “The States.” I’m not sure why. I just love how it sounds in a foreign accent. Conversely, I hate when an American starts calling this country “The States.” It’s clear they affect that eccentricity because they think of themselves as very European and cosmopolitan and probably use terms such as “imperialistic” and “jingoistic” when referring to our great land and it’s people. They are also probably the kind of panty wastes that pretend they’re from Canada when backpacking through Europe. I hate those people.

I was excited upon seeing this beer’s label classifying it as a strong ale. But then I saw it was only 4.1% ABV. What gives? In America, our strong ales will kick your ass around ten different ways. Even the “weaker” strong ales are usually in the 7% range while most push well toward the double-digit plateau. Yet, this “strong” ale is almost weaker than a Shirley Temple. What exactly is considered a weak ale by these same standards? Filtered water with a lime twist?

Any how, the beer has a nice little bitter taste and some decent hops. Somewhat complex the more you drink it. Decent, but nothing special. Not sure I would drink it again.

B-

*Though they later suspected that maybe he was simply recommending a weak beer to some pussy Americans due to their already stated proclivity for cider.

5.9% from a bottle

Another Tria selection.

One of the oddest beers I’ve ever had, which is a statement you might notice I seem to say a lot after visiting Tria.

This beer has ingredients in it such as coriander, ginger, green pepper, chamomile, and licorice. It smells like it does when you mow the lawn. But the taste is actually less unique than you might think. It’s a little weak and far too bubbly for my liking.

I’m not gonna act like I loved this brew, but I’m sure glad I experienced it. Kinda the same way I felt after my first furries orgy.

B-

4.2% ABV on draught

Needed a midday quaff to still (steel?) my nerves and an $8 (!) Guinness pint from an overpriced and empty corporate midtown NYC pub seemed like the perfect choice. I used to drink Guinness a lot when I was a younger lad but now not so much. Maybe it’s cause I don’t have as many Irish friends as I used to. Thick and milky but not as potent and heavy as I recall. I used to think myself a badass for polishing off five of these during a happy hour. Now I realize at 4.2% that wasn’t much of a feat. Quite frankly, I don’t find the beer that tasty or flavorable any more. No hops, no bite, and thus very drinkable. Probably why it was so beloved during my salad drinking days. Nowadays, I think I might enjoy drinking this more for the memories, the aesthetic, and the process than for anything else. I enjoy watching the bartender use the slow two-step process to pull it. I’m tickled when a cloverleaf is swirled into the top of the head to finish the pour off. But I don’t really love this beer any more. And, I’m certainly not one of those American douchebags who visited Dublin once during their junior year of college and now will spend the next 70 years of their drinking lives telling any one that will listen how much better Guinness is in Dublin. How us dumb Americans get a poorer quality product than they do across the pond. How we drink it too cold here. Or too hot. Or in the wrong, wrong, very wrong glass! How our stupid bartenders don’t even pour it correctly! FUCK, that one week in Dublin was awesome! You Yanks just don’t get it!!!

B-

5.2% ABV from a bomber

Without doubt, my most whimsical beer purchase ever. I’m usually incredibly methodical with the beers I purchase for “snobby” drinking. I spend hours researching brews to drink, I compile lists and bring them to the store, I flat out nerd it up when making beer purchases. Even when I see intriguing beers at the store, I rarely make an impulse purchase. Preferring first to jot the beer name down to then go home and look it up on Beer Advocate where I can read countless reviews as if it is an issue of Consumer Reports. Most people do this when buying $50K cars, I do it when buying $3 cans of beer. So, I don’t know what got over me when I spied this on the shelf at Whole Foods. I already had a jam-packed shopping cart full of beer—you get a lot of weird looks when you’re using a shopping cart to only lug around beer purchases (Check out clerk: “Oooh, throwing party?” Me: “Nope, just hate myself”)—and had never heard of this beer nor even sampled a single offering from Wells. But, I mean, come the fuck on—BANANA BREAD BEER! That sounds amazing. I love banana bread. I love beer. Sold! (Note to breweries, please do not start making oddball concoctions like cupcake beer or buffalo wing lager or Skittle Brau cause I am a big time sucker and will buy them all).

So, what to say about this brew? After a busy Saturday which included a little bit of drinking, I came home to enjoy this alone over some winding-down-the-night TV. It wasn’t as good as I had hoped for though I suppose what I was hoping for was something along the lines of a beer that tasted exactly like banana bread while being potent and tasty like a beer. Eh, maybe I should of just bought some actual banana bread and a six-pack to pair with it. This one tastes more like a Yuengling that’s had a Laffy Taffy soaking in the bottom of the bottle for a while. And, you know what, that ain’t half bad.

B-

5.1% ABV

As mentioned before, I am a huge fan of the Brooklyn Brewery—my “home” brewer—and most of its line. Yet today when I was at the store, I glanced at the Brooklyn Pilsner and I realized that I absolutely never drink it. Hell, I’m not sure I have EVER had it. And that’s weird cause I do like pilsners a whole lot. I think it must have to do with the BP’s label design. Something about it just viscerally rubs me the wrong way. What could it be? The orange color? Surely not, because as a Cuse fan I find it the most regal color in the universe. Alas, maybe I just need to quit judging all things in life by their “covers.” (Except woman of course. Sure you could “get to know them better” and love them for their personality and “what’s inside,” but if their “cover” isn’t hot, then what’s the point?)

Speaking of points, let me get back on point and declare that Brooklyn Pilsner is a good beer. Smells great, very malty. Not amazing or anything, but better than Pilsner Urquell which many consider the standard bearer for the style. Honestly, I like the smell of this beer better than its taste. Which I suppose is a bit of a problem. I spent more time sticking my big Jew nose into the glass than actually sipping it. Did someone say “Jew”???—

Hey! According to the fine print on its label…

the “K” indicates that we got a Kosher beer on our hands. Mazel tov! Finally the “chosen” beer guzzlers have something to drink!

Final thought: it could probably use a little more bite, but for a lighter beer Brooklyn Pilsner is pleasant enough.

B-

6% ABV from a 16 ounce can

Need any more proof that I am most decidedly NOT a beer snob?—I drink and ENJOY a low calorie energy malt liquor meant to taste like some ghetto Red Bull & vodka concoction. I first started drinking these as a poor 22-year-old. They were my go-to “pregaming” libation as $1.50 for each 16 oz. 6% can was an incredibly cheap way to start the evening. Two of these before I hit the bars and I’d be feelin’ good. Three and I’d most certainly make a fool of myself by night’s end. And, if I drank four Sparks then I wouldn’t even leave the house and just say “fuck it” completely to my plans. Now, at age 29, I don’t drink this much any more, but once every few months or so I get nostalgic and decide to grab a can or two. And, you know what?, I still fucking like this. It’s not even a “guilty” pleasure, I truly enjoy this.

I love soda, I love being caffeinated, and this definitely hits those cravings big time. It has a great smell, tastes like candy, is sort of refreshing, turns your tongue orange, and no doubt ruins your teeth. It also gets you shit-faced yet so hopped up on “energy” that you feel like conquering the world. Or hitting on anything that moves.

I’d be lying and trying to be a true snob if I gave Sparks anything lower than a…

B-

(Beer Advocate doesn’t even seem to review this “beer.” I was really curious to see how much they massacred it)