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Jim Koch Teaches Me How to Drink…and Not Get Drunk

May 29th, 2014 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

In case you missed it–and that seems virtually impossible (he humbly says)–I blew up the internet a few weeks ago with the help of the legendary Jim Koch who taught me How to Drink All Night Without Getting Drunk.

Briefly:

“Yeast!”

“Yeast?”

“Active yeast. Like you get at the grocery store.”

Koch told me that for years he has swallowed your standard Fleischmann’s dry yeast before he drinks, stirring the white powdery substance in with some yogurt to make it more palatable.

“One teaspoon per beer, right before you start drinking.”

Just read the article, you lush.

What’s she like in bed? Start with what she’s drinking

May 29th, 2014 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Good news fellow beer lovers. According to Daily Mail, a 2012 study by Harvard graduate and OKCupid founder Christian Rudder found that women who drink beer are 60% more likely to have sex on the first date than non-beer drinkers.

Ok, so now we’ve established that when you’re scanning the bar, look past those girls sipping on fruity drinks with straws and umbrellas and zero in on the girls sucking down suds. Then, let’s break it down a step further.

What does the kind of beer a girl is drinking reveal about what she’ll be like in bed?

A study by market research company Mindset Media examined the personality traits that are linked to different beer drinkers. The data found that people who order exotic and import beers are far more liberal than their domestic beer counterparts. I’m taking that to mean that the brunette in the corner who’s downing Modelo won’t have many inhibitions.

The study also found that people who order a variety of different beers throughout the night are more open-minded and willing to try new things than those who just stick to one kind of beer. As noted by Adam and Eve, 101 Positions for Lovers features instructions for such doozies as the pink flamingo and the citizen’s arrest. So if you’re looking to explore new things, do your homework and then chat up the blonde who just swapped out her green longneck for a brown stubbie.

Furthermore, the study found that Budweiser drinkers tend to be on the rebellious side and have a distaste for authority. These women will probably not be up for trying out that candy ball gag that you recently ordered.

Michelob Ultra drinkers were found to be the take-charge types who tend to think rather highly of themselves. The brand also touts itself as the ultimate low-carb beer and we’ve all seen their commercials full of yuppies toasting Michelob Ultras after a day of mountain biking and rock climbing. I’m envisioning a Michelob Ultra girl tying you up and giving herself a wild workout at your expense. You’ll be finished when she tells you you’re finished. The safety word is “Calories.”

Corona drinkers were found to be highly extroverted and energetic people who tend to seek out the company of others, often in large groups. It’s easy to see where this one is headed. Seeking out that bucket-list threesome? Go to the table that has the bucket of Coronas in the middle. Then thank Corona’s sleek marketing, as reported by Marketing Master Insights

Remember, don’t drink and drive and only wear prescription beer goggles.

How to Tailgate With Quality Beer

September 20th, 2013 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Over at Esquire this week I discussed one of the most important things in the world today:  why one should have a “quality drinking” tailgate.

With football having arrived, so have the nerves. No, not the nervousness over how your team will fare this season, but, rather, the fear over what you’ll drink while tailgating. Yes, football tailgates are bastions of watery beer and rotgut booze. What’s a craft beer and artisanal spirits lover to do? Sure, you could not be a snob and simply suck it up as you suck down a few skunky Heinekens. You’d do better to convince your friends why a quality alcohol tailgate is superior.

The gist of the piece was that quality beers and booze(s) mean several key things to the tailgater at large:  you’ll piss less, you’ll bloat less, and you’ll get drunk more.  Not to mention, once you’ve had a few drinks you’re going to be far more likely to get involved with some sweet, sweet sweet NFL betting action action (which, let’s be honest, makes watching any game a whole heckuva lot more fun).

A few of the beers of note I mentioned in the article, and which I actually brought to my last tailgate included:

Westbrook Gose — this canned gose (a fairly obscure salty/sour Germanesque style), is lower in ABV, although not that low, and perfect for an early morning tailgate.

Tired Hands The Rest of Your Life — a growler of this uber-funky Pennsylvania saison scared the masses, but absolutely delighted me.

Allagash Merveilleux — finishing my final hour before game-time with this sour masterpiece was the icing on the tailgate cake. I honestly think this might be the best Allagash sour I’ve ever tried.  Oh, and I’ve had plenty.

Of course, once I got inside the stadium I abruptly ended up shelling out $12 for foamy Coors Lights…and the rest they say is–well, I can’t remember.

I’m Now Writing About Beer for Esquire

July 12th, 2013 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

In case you missed it–and you should be ashamed for not more closely following my career–I’m now writing some beer-related pieces for Esquire.  I’ve written two so far, and here they are:

How to Be a True Blue Beer Geek

How to Throw a Craft Beer Party for “Normal” People

Yes, I seem destined to only write things with “How to” in front of them for the rest of my life.  (How to escape that pigeonholing?)

Well, at least most people seem to enjoy these Esquire pieces–except this dude–and I hope you will too.

Cheers.

Aaron

5 Bars To Check Out In Vegas

July 11th, 2013 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

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There are a lot of different reasons to vacation in “fabulous” Las Vegas. For fans of stage performances, the constant exhibits of Blue Man Group, Cirque du Soleil, and passing concerts are a major draw. For those who like supreme luxury and comforts, the resorts themselves are worth the airfare. And of course, fans of online gambling at sites like http://www.betfaircasino.com flock to Vegas every year to try their hands at real casino card tables.

But often the feature of Las Vegas that visitors find most enjoyable is its long list of unique and incredible bars. Vegas resorts and casinos are constantly trying to one-up each other, and that never-ending competition often results in absolutely spectacular venues and attractions. The bars - inventive and original - are prime examples. Here are 5 to make absolutely certain you visit on your next Las Vegas vacation.

1. Minus-5

This bar at Mandalay Bay is about as unique an experience as you’ll find in Vegas - namely because it’s kept constantly at -5 degrees! This ridiculously cold standard allows for everything in the bar, from furniture to decorations and drinking glasses, to be made of ice, which certainly makes for a unique atmosphere. And don’t worry - guests are given fur coats, boots and gloves upon entry.

2. Noir Bar

This dark bar is located beneath the LAX nightclub at the Luxor, and is noteworthy primarily due to its reputation for interesting mixed drinks. Bartenders at Noir Bar have to uphold this reputation, and that means that there’s hardly a location in Vegas where you’ll find tastier drinks. Be sure to sample the PB&J cocktail!

3. Deuce Lounge

Another bar with a dark ambiance, Deuce Lounge is more low-key than many of its counterparts, which can be a bit refreshing. The word “sophistication” comes to mind, as the focus is primarily on elegance, décor, and delicious drinks. That said, there is some gaming within Deuce Lounge, which in the more relaxed atmosphere can be a blast.

4. Red Square

Another popular theme bar at Mandalay Bay, Red Square is basically focused on Soviet Russia. With a beheaded Lenin statue situated outside the bar, Red Square serves up literally hundreds of varieties of Russian vodka in a bar with the coloring and design tendencies most Americans associate with the Soviet Union.

5. Parasol Up & Down

Essentially a set of two bars - an upstairs and downstairs lounge - Parasol Up & Down looks out over the Wynn Hotel’s water and fountain shows, making for spectacular atmosphere. More “casino lounge” than “club” or “bar,” Parasol Up & Down is great for a late afternoon cocktail before you really get your Vegas night going.

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Drunk Drinking

July 13th, 2012 by Aaron Goldfarb | 3 Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Social media.

Where new brides annoy us with countless wedding photos.

New mommies annoy us with innumerable baby pics (Madison’s first poopy!).

And newly published authors annoy the shit out of you with pleas to buy their new book.

Not this time.

This is the one and only time I’m going to tell you about Drunk Drinking, just released on Amazon. It’s my collection of writings–mostly new, some old (but improved!)–all about that one subject we truly care about most. There are stories and essays about the drunkest par 3 public golf course in America, about the nerdiness of rare beer release “parties,” how one drinks alone in a packed bar on a Friday night, what a liquor cabinet should look like depending on your age, and one about a guy simply known as “the anti-game, self-inflicted cockblocking tourist.”

Twenty-two pieces in all, with one special bonus essay. Over 35,000 words you probably haven’t read before.

If you loved The Vice Blog, if liked How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide or The Cheat Sheet, you’ll dig Drunk Drinking too. Guaranteed. If you hated those, why are you reading my blog, weirdo?

Even better…want a free copy of Drunk Drinking?

For the next week (til July 20th), just write an Amazon review of either How to Fail here or The Cheat Sheet here, email me a link to that review (aaron@aarongoldfarb.com), and I’ll send you a Kindle, epub, or PDF file of Drunk Drinking.

Even better than that, for the one Amazon review that makes me laugh hardest, I’ll send you a “The Works” goodie bag full of autographed books and Goldfarb schwag.

Or you can just pick up Drunk Drinking for about the cost of sending five Third World children to college.

Even if you don’t buy, please share this on Twitter or Facebook. The more you share it now–this second!–the less likely am I to renege on my promise to never annoy you with the hawking of this book ever again. Or to start posting tons of baby pics on Facebook.

“How to Fail” tour passes the halfway mark

November 29th, 2010 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Hey Vice Blog fans, sorry I’ve been busy neglecting this blog, but I’m still on my “How to Fail” 30 Bars in 30 Days tour and, though I’m consuming vices on a daily basis, at the kinds of places we’ve been holding my events, the vices are of the lowbrow variety:  40s of Miller High Life, buckets of Keystone Light, cheap kegs of macro swill.  Nothing worth writing home, or to the blog about.

Having said that, with just twelve events to go, I’m finally going to start appearing at some really exciting craft beer joints, most notably:

Dec 4 - Churchkey - Washington, DC

Dec 5 - Rustico - Arlington, VA

Dec 6 - Brewer’s Art - Baltimore

Dec 7 - Feile - Manhattan (sponsored by Sixpoint Craft Ales)

Dec 8 - Track 84 - Providence

Dec 9 - Bukowski Tavern - Cambridge, MA

Dec 10 - Zeppelin Hall Biergarten - Jersey City (tour wrap up)

Now Churchkey might be the best beer bar in America, Rustico is its terrific little brother, I’ve never been to the Brewer’s Art brewpub and I’m exceedingly excited to go to this magnificent spot, Bukowski’s is a Boston standard, Track 84 a Providence one, and Feile and Zeppelin Hall should be some serious hometown bacchanalias.  Very stoked for all these events, and very excited to finally start tasting hops and yeasts and beautiful barleys after the last two weeks of sucking back cheap rice, corn, and piss water.

Hope you’ll join me at these events if you’re able, and please keep telling your pals about “How to Fail.”

Cheers.  You’ll be hearing from me again soon in these parts.

Follow my “How to Fail” tour blogging and drinking here.

Facebook “like” me here.

Buy my book here.

Here here!

HOW TO FAIL is OUT!!!

November 9th, 2010 by Aaron Goldfarb | No Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

HOW TO FAIL: THE SELF-HURT GUIDE, the world’s FIRST self-hurt guide, is HERE!

My first novel is now on shelves at finer bookstores, many less than fine bookstores, newsstands, airport shops amongst the Airborne, train stations next to the prophylactics, bus depots side-by-side issues of Big Booty, Jersey Turnpike rest stops, and pornography huts (soft-core only). And, if you’re not seeing it in those places, go up to the dork manning the cash register and demand it! Or, just be a normal person and buy the book online:

My book tour, 30 BARS in 30 DAYS begins Tuesday in Manhattan (Amity Hall, 80 W. 3rd Street) before cutting a swath through the upper northeast.

Please come out and encourage your friends and the losers you work with to do likewise.

But that’s not all…I’m pleased to also announce something that has never been done before, the simultaneous release of my short story collection THE CHEAT SHEET, stories about the sexes, sex, and sexiness in New York.

This book sells for $9.99 paperback and $6.99 on Kindle, Nook, and the Ibookstore, but NOW…

To the first 3000 people that buy HOW TO FAIL and e-mail me aaron@aarongoldfarb.com proof of purchase (a forwarded online receipt, a picture of the physical receipt, etc)…

I will send A FREE EBOOK OF THE CHEAT SHEET!

That’s…quickly doing the math in my head…$25 worth of books for a mere $15.

How can you beat that?!

PLEASE blog this, forward this message to any one in your contacts, amongst your FB friends, Twitter followers, or LinkedIn a-holes that might be interested.

Thanks,

Aaron

HOW TO FAIL “30 Bars in 30 Days” Book Tour

November 3rd, 2010 by Aaron Goldfarb | 1 Comment | Filed in Uncategorized

Hey friends, sorry I’ve been so busy lately with this book.  I’m still drinking beer and I’ll be back to writing about beer (and other sordid things) soon, especially now as I announce my book tour, “30 Bars in 30 Days”!

I’m very excited for the tour and I hope any one of you in the tour’s path will come out and say hi, buy a book or two, and let me scribble my name in it.  I’d love to have a drink with any of you!

Pass this on to your other beer-swilling friends, post on your FB walls and Twitter, put the info on your beer blogs, and, please, order a book if you haven’t yet.

See you soon!

RSVP for the events here.

The Harvey Wallbanger

August 15th, 2008 by Aaron Goldfarb | 2 Comments | Filed in Uncategorized

Note: My father found my blog last week. He was less-than-thrilled with it–excerpt from his e-mail: “….found you on Vice Blog.com (sic). While you appear to really know your beer, I’m not that pleased to have read the other parts…”–and thought I should quit blogging. I was less-than-thrilled with him google-snooping–a further excerpt: “If you were not using your own name, I would be laughing my head off. I just don’t want this supposed joke for a few friends that is now available to the world to hurt the son I love down the line.”–telling him that if he truly loved me he would never read this fucking site again. Thus, I wanted to tell a little is-it-true-or-isn’t-it tale of vice about him–and another: “[I] just want you to realize that what goes on the net is there forever. It is never a joke, and can be used against you as if it is the truth. People are losing court cases because of what lawyers find on the net about them…”–both to pay him back and to confirm whether or not he still reads this site. I’m guessing he still does, probably has it in his RSS feed, and won’t be able to avoid making comment very soon.

The Legend of the Harvey Wallbanger

The first drink I get at every wedding is a Harvey Wallganger. Because it tastes good? Naw. It’s kinda gross actually. And, if I’m overheard ordering it I look like a weirdo. I get a kick out of it though.

I’ve had to memorize the sparse ingredients and how to make it: vodka and OJ with a “float” of Galliano. You probably don’t even know what Galliano is. Most people don’t nowadays and most bars don’t even stock it. It’s an Italian low-proof sweet liqueur made up of over thirty herbals. It ain’t exactly pleasant–though some people still swear by it!–and it comes in a funny-lookin’ bottle. It hasn’t been en vogue since at least the 1960s, back when people were still having fondue parties.

After a wedding I rush to the cocktail hour, no need to waste time, hoping I make it to the open bar before any one else. I usually ask for several drinks at once (all for me) in order to create a diversion for my Harvey Wallbanger order. Causing the bartender and others around to be unclear if the oddball cocktail is actually for me.

Of course, at most weddings, it’s hard to get an alone moment at the bar, so people do in fact hear me order one.

What did you just order?!”

When I explain what I am now explaining to you, the Legend of the Harvey Wallbanger–assuming I have time–they usually get a kick out of it. Guys want to get a Harvey for themselves, to join in on the fun experience, and girls want to be the awesome funny guy’s ad hoc date.

Only problem is, the 19-year-old misfits running the bar have usually never heard of a Harvey Wallbanger, having spent most of their $350 learn-how-to-bartend-in-two-days training in learning how to shake up a rum and coke, a vodka tonic, maybe a Cosmo. You know, the complex shit.

The further problem is that the prison release program bartender has no idea what Galliano is.

By now a crowd is forming around me, wanting me to get my Harvey! Find the Galliano every one is demanding!

So the bartender has to dig around for it. It’s usually on the absolute highest or absolute lowest out-of-the-way shelf. Sometimes in a cabinet. Caked in dust and with water-wrinkled labeling that makes you realize the bottle was purchased in the Eighties. Often, it is not found at all.

Such was the case at the last wedding I attended. There’s really no substitute for Galliano as far as I can tell. I told the bartender to float some Sambuca on top and it kinda was the same, but not really. Still crappy tasting at least. Oh well. Maybe I should just start carrying tiny airline-sized Galliano bottles with me to weddings. That way I could just order a screwdriver–still a weird drink to get at a formal affair if you ask me–and then float my own Galliano on the sly.

So why do I put myself through this? Besides for a hilarious story to tell you people? I do it as a tribute to my father. Indulge me…

My father is one of the more healthy, vibrant 56-year-olds I know. He’s still in great shape, playing five-set tennis matches three or four times a week, and he eats well, avoiding shitty foods and the other kinds of toxic things most of us put into our body. He’s conservative, but not in the crazy way. Just a good, moral man. Kind to all, never harmed a fly, loves his family and his pets.

Nowadays, and for the entirety of my life, he has not been a drinker. He may not be a teetotaler but he is at worst a teepartialer. Teemostlyer? I’ve probably seen him have less than a dozen alcoholic beverages in the last three decades. In fact, I can recall once as a teen walking into the family’s living room to find my dad nursing a Corona while watching television. That might be a normal sight for most children, but for me, it was the weirdest fucking thing I had ever seen.

AARON: Dad?! What ARE you doing?!

VICE DAD: I’m having a beer.

He looked at me like I was the crazy one. That was such a strange answer he gave me. I was certain he was going through a mid-life crisis and about to get a divorce. Nope. Sometimes a shitty beer is just a shitty beer. I guess he was actually enjoying his one single beer for the decade of the Nineties.

But apparently, he wasn’t always this way. The following details are hearsay and speculation and conjecture and maybe even completely made up.

Seems my pops was the best man at some wedding…oh…well it musta been in the early-1970s. My mom accompanied him as his date but was not yet his wife so this would put us at circa 1974 let’s say.

Back then my dad had a gorgeous Jew-fro. Now he’s bald like George Costanza but back then his hair was thick, curly, kinky, and lustrous like Gabe Kaplan’s iconic coif. As the best man he wore a baby blue leisure suit tuxedo. I’ve seen the picture. Ruffley tuxedo shirt, clown-sized bow-tie, white patent leather shoes, the whole nine.

Now apparently dad was throwing back Harvey Wallbangers with abandon that night.

And then…

Dad threw up Harvey Wallbangers all over his rental tuxedo, right in the middle of the dance floor.

I don’t know what you would do in this scenario, but this is apparently what he did…

He completely stripped the tuxedo from his body and balled it up at my mom’s high-heeled feet. Now wearing nothing but his underwear–being the Seventies I’m guessing they were Jim Palmer-esque Jockey shorts–he exited the reception hall with more eyes on him than on the opening kickoff at the Super Bowl, took the elevator upstairs to his hotel room, and passed out asleep. Leaving my mom to justify his actions, offer embarrassed apologies, and go return the filthy tux.

And that’s why the Harvey Wallbanger is the first drink I order at every single wedding I attend. But I’ve never thrown it up. I’m a better drinker than my old man.